The Good 'ol Days

Today I spent some time doing dishes with my kids. I'm not talking about dishes with a dishwasher. No, I mean the real deal - with soap, water, and a sponge. Granted, this isn't rocket science, but it isn't something that I do often. That is partially do to the fact that my kids do the dishes most every night. Every once in awhile, when I am feeling particularly charitable or when I want it done quickly and well, I will jump in and help. But, for the most part, the kids take the reigns with the nightly dishes. My husband particularly appreciates this because that was his job for the first 13 years of our marriage. He would do the dishes every night that he was home because I always did the cooking. No, I didn't ask him to do it. Yes, I know I married a gem!

As I was standing there with a sink full of soapy water, washing dishes while the kids rinsed, dried, and put them away - I was transported back in time. When I was a kid, my family was not blessed with the luxury of a dishwasher. I remember a brief stint of having one that worked, but it was just that - brief. By and large, we washed and dried dishes the old fashioned way every night. Although at the time I hated it and wished that we could afford to purchase a working dishwasher, I look back with fond memories. My dad would often be the one doing the washing. The rest of us drew straws for our jobs. While we worked together, Dad would quiz us on our math facts and create long math problems for us to do in our heads. He would also spell words with us or ask us about other things that we had done that day. That was Dad's way of passing the time while we worked, and I remember the dishes often being more of a time of family bonding than the actual meals. Granted, it wasn't like this every night, and I surely didn't appreciate it at the time. But, I realize now how much of a benefit that was for me. I learned to work, and I learned that work didn't always have to be drudgery - that it could be a means to bring about a certain togetherness.

Along with the lack of a dishwasher, there was a period of time that we did not have a clothes dryer. We would take the baskets of freshly washed clothes out to the backyard and hang them on the clothesline to dry. Oh, how I hated that job! It was certainly no fun in the Arizona heat to hang a batch of clothes out to dry. Not only that, but I was humiliated. I didn't want anybody to know that my family couldn't afford to buy a dryer. On one particular occasion when I was in junior high, I had one of my friends over for an afternoon and my mom handed me a basket of wet clothes and asked me to go and hang them on the line. I was mortified! This friend belonged to a family who was very well off and she certainly never had to hang clothes to dry. But, as I apologized profusely for having to do this chore, she said something that has stuck with me to this day. She simply said "Don't apologize. This is fun." At the time I thought she was crazy. How could this be fun? But, once again, I was reminded that work didn't have to be awful. She may or may not have known that I had to do this because my family couldn't afford a dryer. But, it didn't matter. Somehow, these opportunities for work would be a blessing, whether or not I realized it at the time. I used my vast knowledge again when, as newlyweds, my husband and I had a washer but no dryer. We strung a clothesline in our spare bedroom, and it worked like a charm.

This is just a taste of my life as a child. There was no question that we were usually strapped for money. As I grew up and became more aware of that, I must shamefully admit that I wanted to keep it a secret from the world. I hated that I couldn't afford all of the right things that seemed necessary in order to fit in with my peers. But, honestly, looking back, I wouldn't change it even if I could. I feel like those experiences molded me in a way that could not have happened otherwise. Although my husband has a successful dental practice and we will likely not have to struggle financially (though we did for ten years of school), I sometimes wish that my kids could experience just a little of what that was like. I do believe it was character building. And, I am grateful now for every dish that I washed by hand while my dad quizzed me on math facts, every piece of clothing that I hung to dry in the hot sun, every time that I had to buy school clothes at a thrift store instead of at the mall, and the way in which it taught me about work, togetherness, and what is truly important in life.

Unforseen Paths

For the past few months, I feel like I have been taken for a wild ride - never knowing what might be behind the next twist or bend in the road. Every time I think I have it all figured out, I come across another unexpected surprise that leaves me wondering what I was thinking in the first place. This pattern is not new to me. I have experienced it on several occassions throughout my life - usually in the wake of big decisions. It is usually accompanied by an internal stuggle between what I want to do, and what I feel like the Lord wants me to do, which are not always in agreement. As we have already established, I tend to over-think things and usually end up analyzing life through the lense of logic. If I had to use one word to describe myself, it may very well be PRACTICAL. However, what I have learned through the experiences described above is that the Lord's plan for my life is not always practical, and it often defies logic. I was reading in President Monson's biography a few weeks ago, and came across a quote that spoke to me:

"The wisdom of God oft times appears as foolishness to men. But, the greatest single lesson we can learn in mortality is that when God speaks and a man obeys, that man will always be right."

How true that is! The trick is figuring out when God is speaking. I am grateful for the experiences in my life that have taught me how to recongnize the voice of the Spirit, but sometimes it is still tricky, especially when the instructions don't make logical sense. I want it all spelled out for me, but sometimes the Lord requires that we act in faith, not knowing exactly how things will turn out in the end, or why it is that we are being asked to do a particular thing. We are facing decisions now that I would not have even considered feasible a few months ago. But, I am absolutely convinced that the hand of the Lord has been guiding us all along. I'm still not sure how things will end up, or what exactly is in store for our family. All I know is that we are being led down an unforseen path - one that requires faith and willingness to follow Him into the darkness, trusting that the path will be illuminated one step at a time. It requires me accepting that I don't need to know everything all at once - that things will fall into place one piece at a time - as they have done in the past and continue to do now. Another one of my favorite quotes gives me peace:

"When you come to the end of everything you know, and the next step is into the darkness of the great unknown, you must believe one of two things: either you will step onto firm ground, or you will be taught to fly." Author Unknown

AMAZING! One Man Plays Two Grand Pianos At Once - La Campanella - Josh W...

Talent

My son, who is 12 years old, has recently become fascinated with a talented young pianist named Josh Wright. He got his album for Easter, and we have all been enjoying it. Last week, I attended BYU Women's Conference, and Josh performed at a concert with several other artists and was nothing short of AMAZING!! I'm sure you have experienced occasions where people give standing ovations out of courtesy, slowly standing up because the person next to them is. Well, after Josh finished playing a moving rendition of La Campanella, the entire audience leaped to their feet without even thinking. It was THAT good. In fact, I don't know that I have ever experienced something of that caliber before - where people are simply moved to their feet, almost instinctively. You can watch him play that amazing song on two grand pianos using the link right above this post.

Now back to my son. . .

He has always been fascinated by the piano. Even as a baby, he would sit on the bench or a lap and "play" for long periods of time without ever getting tired of it. When he was about 18 months old, we bought him a miniature toy piano with a bench and he would run out there first thing in the morning and call for help because he couldn't get onto the bench alone. When he was four, we finally got a piano of our own, and he would often sit and play by ear things he had heard on the radio or at church. He could pick out the melody to those songs almost effortlessly, and would then add his own chords on the left hand, instinctively knowing if they sounded good or not. He would change things up until he found something that was actually musical. My husband was in school at the time and we could not afford to get him into lessons until he was seven. He is doing well in his musical studies, but I feel like he could be doing so much better if given the right opportunity. The entire time I was watching Josh Wright perform, all I could think about was how my son has the potential to do something similar, if he was dedicated and worked really hard. He actually sent Josh an email the other day, to which Josh graciously responded. He told him of how he practiced 2 and a half hours a day when he was 12, and that early work and dedication is necessary if you want to be a concert pianist in such a competitive industry. He told him of all the hard work, sacrifice, and dedication that it would take, but also of how it was possible. We have always known that our talented young son was given the gift of music - a gift that has the potential to influence countless people. Music can touch people and bring the spirit to a situation in a way that words often cannot. But, here's where I get a little confused. . .

I know that we are all given gifts and talents for a reason, and we have the responsibility to develop them and make them useful. Do I, however, encourage my 12 year old son to start down a path that will, in large measure, dictate how he will spend most of his free time? If he wants to follow in Josh's footsteps, which he says he does, his will be a life of dedication to music, at the expense of other things. He would sacrifice much on that path. He has other talents and interests that would have to be put aside, at least temporarily. However, he does, I believe, have the natural talent and the potential to be extraordinary if he chooses to take that path. But, what is my role?

Do I leave this call up to him, or it is ultimately a decision that we make together?

Do I take him to an amazing teacher (recommended by Josh) who teaches a hour from my house, and charges 3-4 times what I am currently paying for lessons (although Josh assures me that he will learn more from one hour with this teacher than he will with 20 hours from the typical neighborhood piano teacher)?

What will that kind of a commitment due to the dynamic of the rest of my family? Will the other kids also have to sacrifice things they would like to do in order to support their brother?

I do believe that we probably need to find a new teacher who is more experienced in working with more advanced students. (His current teacher teaches mostly beginners). But, I could find somebody closer to home who could still inspire him and push him, but probably not to the same level or outcome. My question is simply how much time, energy, and effort should be invested into this talent? He could take the hard route and dedicate his life to music, and be amazing. Or, he could take the more well rounded route, spend as much time as he wanted in the study of music, still become very good, but perhaps not as good as he could potentially be. That route would be easier for sure, and give him opportunities to explore other interests as well. He could definitely still use that talent to touch other lives, but perhaps not in the same way. . .

Am I ready to support him in whatever he chooses, or do I lead him in one direction or the other? I'm just not sure. . .

Some Things Never Change

High school was, for me, a time of much turmoil. I have been thinking back on those years lately, probably due to the fact that I have been spending so much time thinking about school in general. As I have reflected on my experience so many years ago, I find it interesting that some things just never change, no matter how old you get or what your circumstances happen to be.

Back in the days of school dances, football games, and weekend parties - life seemed so complicated. As a teenager who was trying to figure out what I was about and where I fit, the halls of my high school seemed to be ever closing in on me. There was an abundance of judgement and so little acceptance. There was always an unwritten order of things - the popular people, the nerds, the jocks, the country kids, the stoners - which often left a person like me wondering exactly where I belonged. I spent years trying to discover my identity - afraid to be different - always worried about what people thought - and never truly discovering happiness. Too often, I let my perception of what others thought about me become my identity and determine my self worth.

Upon leaving high school, I thought that some of that social drama would dissipate - that people would be more accepting and open to new ideas and different people. To my disappointment, I have not, in my experience, found that to be true. I married shortly after high school and have since lived in several different states. I continue to find the same pattern, though it is sometimes more pronounced or more subtle, depending on the mix of people. There are always going to be those who have a hard time finding their niche and spend a great deal of time and energy trying to fit in or worrying about why they are not included. There are going to be those who may only have a few friends, but who are content to be who they are in their small social circles. There is always going to be the group of people that seem to be a little bit untouchable unless you meet an unwritten criteria. There are going to be those rare individuals who are somehow able to span a variety of different groups. This is, by no means, a comprehensive list. It takes a variety of people and personalities to make up a world, and you will find them wherever your travels may take you.

I have often felt what it feels like to be on the outside looking in - wanting to be included but not knowing quite how to receive that honor. Although those times were difficult and I wouldn't want to relive them, I am grateful for them now. Time and experience have given me a different perspective than I had then. I am no longer so worried about what others think of me. I have, though much prayer and effort, been able to find peace with who I am. That has opened up a whole new world for me - complete with a knowledge that differences can be blessings, and it is not necessary to whittle myself away to fit somebody else's expectations.

My simple wish is this - that there could be more unity, love, and acceptance, and less judgement and exclusion. I wish that there was less of a feeling of competition - making it seem like one must have certain possessions or look a certain way in order to be accepted and loved as an individual. I wish that nobody would have to feel the way that I felt for so many years - unsure of who they are, wondering if they have any worth as an individual, and convinced that they will never make the cut in such a competitive world. To those people I would say - there IS life beyond high school, even though so many of the social patterns remain the same. The best years of your life await you. The Lord has power to heal a broken heart and to literally change it - making it possible for you to see yourself in an entirely different light, regardless of what other people around you may think. And, that, my friend, is where peace and happiness lie in abundance. I know that because I have experienced it. Perhaps your struggles will give you strength in the future, as they have for me. I don't think I could have come to the point I am at today without the years of struggle. And, I don't know if I would fully understand how the Lord feels about me, as his daughter, had I not spent so many nights on my knees, pleading to know if I could really make a difference in the world, even in some small way. From this I have gained the absolute assurance that the Lord knows me, loves me, and has a plan for my life. It is my wish that everybody could know that for themselves. It was that knowledge that was the catalyst for change in my own life, and it could be in yours as well.

Irony

It's funny how things work out sometimes in ways that you would least expect. I wrote a few weeks ago about my agony over deciding what to do with our school situation. For weeks I have tried to keep my mind open to all of the possibilities, considering each one carefully. The Lord is probably weary of my never ending pleas to find direction and, most importantly, peace. That peace is what I have sought, and I have found it to be elusive, coming only in temporary moments when I think that I found the solution that will be best. However, within hours my heart is again overrun with confusion and uncertainty, leaving me wondering when the answer will come - the one that is accompanied by lasting peace.

Throughout my life I have learned to trust in the Lord. Along with that, comes trusting in his timing. I am impatient. When praying for weeks on end does not get me any closer to the answer that I seek, I get antsy. I do not, however, lose faith that my prayers are heard. Having children of my own, I know that it is often not a good idea to give them things on demand. There is wisdom in teaching them to wait, even if they protest. I believe that the Lord sometimes withholds answers in order to teach us something - perhaps a little bit more patience, faith, or trust in him. That does not, however, mean that our prayers are not heard or answered. Sometimes the answer is simply to "wait."

Last week, I had come to a solution that I thought would be best. I had decided that I was done with the drive to the elementary school 20 minutes away, and that I was going to enroll the three older kids in the prep school in which my oldest son currently attends. I would then homeschool my first grader until she could enroll in that school as well. I was telling a friend about my decision, and she asked me if I was at peace with that decision. That caught me off guard just a little. I was trying to force myself to feel peace because it seemed like the best option that I could come up with, but I had to answer with a resounding "NO." There was no peace - only logic and my desire to be done with the commute. I went straight home and hit my knees again - pleading with the Lord to give me at least part of the solution, and I would try to figure the rest out on my own.

The Lord, in his mercy, did give me part of the answer - that homeschool was not the right thing for my family. That made it easy to figure out that it was best to keep the younger kids where they were at. That, unfortunately, was not the answer that I wanted. I had been trying as hard as I could to figure out a different solution that would be easier on me. Having kids at two different schools on opposite sides of town is just getting to be too much of a juggling act and I simply don't want to do it anymore. But, there is another option - one that we had thought about and ruled out. There is a new school opening just a couple of minutes from the elementary school. It will be new - it will be tough academically - I'm not sure if it will be the best thing for all of my kids individually. However, it would put all of my kids in school on the same street instead of 3o minutes apart. Although it will not get rid of my commute, it will make it easier in some ways. We did miss the application deadline, but I just found out that they have a few open spots in the grades that I need, so it looks like it might work out. It is ironic that this is the option that we were leaning towards way back at the beginning of this journey, but ruled it out early on for a few reasons. Now, here we are, back where we started, and I have found the peace that I have been seeking. I don't feel conflicted or confused. I don't know why it took us so long to figure out what to do, or why I wasn't at peace with this option when it was first presented. Perhaps, it was the journey that I needed. Perhaps I needed to explore all of the options in depth in order to make sure that this was the right one because this is the one that may lead to the biggest change. I am not ruling out a move to decrease the commute time at some point in the future. In fact, that may be just what we need. My husband was not even open to that option at first. He is finally coming around and at least thinking about it - which is huge. I don't know if or when that will happen. All I know is that this has been a learning experience for me. I have learned that sometimes things don't turn out how I think that they should. Sometimes the Lord leads us down unforeseen paths, and we have to be willing to step out into the darkness, believing that the path will be illuminated before us as we take that leap of faith.

Now, we'll see if we actually get spots for the two boys at this new school. It is likely, but not for sure yet. I am not worried, but enjoying the peace that is in my heart. Somehow it will all work out. Of this I am sure.

I am so Blessed

It is often easy to get caught up in the daily grind and forget about the important things in my life. But, lately I have been reminded of how blessed I am.

My husband's cousin, who is only 31 years old, just got both of his kidneys removed as a result of a genetic disorder - poly cystic kidney disease - that runs in my husband's family. It is a dominant disease, meaning that a parent who has the gene has a 50% chance of passing it on to each of their children. We have no idea how widespread the disease is among the family because it usually doesn't cause any problems until late in life. We do, however, know that my sister in law has the disease. There is a potential that my husband could have it as well, although he did get a kidney ultrasound at age 29 and had no cysts, so it is unlikely that any will develop. It eventually leads to kidney failure, and the need for a transplant, which takes us back to his cousin. . .

He and his wife have been staying with us off and on when they come down to the hospital from a small town that doesn't have adequate medical care. A few weeks ago, his wife was here for a week as he had the surgery necessary to remove both kidneys in preparation for a transplant. He has spent the last month on dialysis and his health is not holding up well. Trying to get a donor solidified has been difficult, so his wife finally decided that she would give one of her kidneys to him. That surgery is scheduled in about a week and a half. This young couple has three young children who now have to witness both of their parents going into very risky surgery. We have faith that this will be what is needed, and everything will be alright.

In the meantime, they are living with his parents. The wife is working long days to try to provide for her family while her husband is in and out of the hospital. It is not uncommon for them to leave the kids in the care of others for days at a time for medical care. The situation is stressful and difficult for all of them.

In all of her comings and goings, this sweet wife, who has been watching her husband's health deteriorating over the past couple of years, reminded me of what is important in life. She said, "You may not think that you have it all, but all I want is what you have."

I do realize how blessed I am. I have a wonderful husband who does an awesome job of taking care of the kids and I. He treats me like a queen and does all in his power to make me happy. I have five beautiful, healthy children who are far from perfect, but try so hard to do what is right. My husband and I have good health and can keep up with the never ending demands on our time and energy. We have a beautiful home, even if it doesn't have all the space that I would like. We have the gospel which gives us direction and peace amidst the craziness of our lives. I cannot complain about any of it. The fact that I take it for granted at all is shameful. So, today, I am counting my blessings, grateful for Lord's tender mercies in my life.

"We may not have it all together, but together we have it all."