Parenting

With five children to constantly remind me of my role - I spend lots of time thinking about parenting and how I can raise my children in the best possible way.  I'm sure that most people with children share the same thoughts.  I studied Family Science in college and thought I knew all that I needed to know to be the best possible parent.  I had read the research - done more research - and formulated a plan in my head that I thought would render the best possible children.  My oldest son was born just 2 weeks before I graduated from BYU.  All of these ideas were fresh in my mind.  I thought I was prepared.  But, then I was blessed with a child who blew all of my theories out of the water.  He somehow came with a mind of his own - and a strong will that proved to be unrelenting, no matter what I tried.  I was left wondering where I had gone wrong - wondering how I would ever raise this child to do anything worthwhile.  I was sure that his strong will would get him into loads of trouble. 

Seven years and three more children later - we discovered a parenting philosophy that worked wonders for our children, and I have become a true convert.  It has helped us to remember what is truly important when it comes to parenting - teaching children to be respectful and have good character.  John Rosemond is our parenting expert of choice, and he has several fabulous books that we have read and re-read.  I was on his website today (which you can check out here), and came across this interesting article that really sums it all up:

Raise adults, not children- John Rosemond

Posted by John Rosemond in Uncategorized | 0 comments

I don’t often print an entire letter from a reader of this column, but every once in a while someone else says it better than I could. Several weeks ago, I shared the results of a 1997 survey that was conducted under the auspices of the Dayton (OH) Chamber of Commerce. When asked what they were looking for in prospective employees, local employers overwhelmingly valued character over specific skills-even computer skills! They also said that it’s fairly easy to find people who know how to run a computer, but finding people of good character is becoming increasingly difficult. I received a ton of affirming letters, but one in particular stood out. It came from a woman whose husband is a professor at a well-known technical university. Here’s what she had to say (the bold words are mine):

“No one denies that the students currently enrolling at this school are some of the brightest and most accomplished ever to enroll, but the lack of character and self-control is frightening.

I won’t deluge you with the horror stories about threatening behavior from the students or the irate phone calls from parents as to the ‘injustices’ they have “endured” at the hands of the collegiate system. There are many who can speak to those issues far better than can I, but I do feel qualified to place a lot of the blame squarely on the parents of my generation. They have (collectively) reared a generation of children who excel as people, but who come up desperately short as human beings. These parents took their eye off the prize. A sad commentary to be sure, but not a hasty one.

A dear friend and colleague of my husband’s summed it up best. This man is one of the gentlest, even-tempered, and optimistic persons you will ever meet. One day last May he came into the office, exhaled a ragged sigh and said: “I have taught here for 37 years, but, you know, I have never seen such a bunch of lazy, self-serving whiners as I have encountered the past couple of semesters.

My mother raised 10 children by herself. She always said that the biggest mistake people make with their children is they forget the goal is not to raise children, but to raise adults. The older I get, the more I agree.

Bright kids who lack character and self-control. Parents who, because they’ve forgotten that the goal is to raise adults, not children, raise perpetual children – successful people who come up short as human beings. Nearly every letter I received in response to that column echoed the same things.

Today’s parents have let themselves become convinced that providing opportunities for their children to learn specific skills – most notably, “computer literacy” – is the crux of responsible parenting. Hah! Not only is that not true (notwithstanding that certain skills, like reading, are absolutely essential), but this obsession with raising the most savvy kid on the block is getting in the way of an education in good character.

If you don’t believe me, here are the words of another corporate manager, in response to the same column:

“One of my best employees was a young man who had no computer experience but had a good deal of personal integrity and honesty. We taught him what he needed to know, and he is today quite successful in his new job as an inventory administrator.”

Then, after relating her own history with computers (She didn’t know anything about computers until well into adulthood. Now, she’s a self-described “geek”), she writes, “My point is I don’t think it is important for kids to have all this exposure to computers to be successful in either life or computers. In fact, I know it isn’t, because I am living proof of it.”

Right! You can teach just about any skill to someone who possesses good character, and they’ll be a credit to your teaching. You can teach a person of bad character just about any skill, too, but as for them being a credit to you, well . . . . Not according to people who should know.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Parenting isn’t about today or tomorrow. It’s about 25 years from now. Keep that in the forefront of your thinking, and you’ll hardly ever go wrong.

In the Meantime

Life is all about stages.  There are so many of them it is hard to keep up sometimes.  Life is constantly changing.  Whereas a few years ago my life was all about trying to keep up with several preschoolers, now it is about being there for my kids who are getting older and facing much different challenges, as well the younger ones who need me in a different way.  It is about trying to find the balance between being there for them and letting them learn to stand on their own two feet.  It is about remembering that I am not too busy to spend time with my toddler, who will soon be gone at school everyday.  It is about keeping my focus as a parent - remembering what my job really is when things get tough - to raise them to be strong in the gospel and contributing members of society.  It is not about giving in to keep the peace at any price.  It is about leadership - about compassion - about teaching them who they really are as children of God and what amazing potentials that they have.

But, sometimes I feel like the daily grind starts to become my identity.  I feel like I am a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, and a friend - but who am I really?  It is easy to lose sight of the dreams that I have for myself when the demands of family life seem, at times, all consuming.

Don't get me wrong - I love what I do each day.  I have wanted to be a wife and a mother for as long as I can remember and I wouldn't trade that for anything.  I feel like I am making a difference - at least in the lives of the precious spirits that were entrusted to my care.  But, sometimes - I want to do more -

The lyrics of Jenny Jordan Frogley's song In the Meantime say it much better than I can. . .

In her heart she holds the dreams
That she's carried since the day she turned 13:
Of all that she would be when she was grown;
Of all that she would do when she was finally on her own.
She dreamed she'd fly
& she's still waiting for the chance to try.

In the mean time, she's a mother & a daughter & a wife,
Doing all she can to stay above the daily grind
& she wonders when she'll ever have more meaning in her life.
She doesn't know she's being molded & refined,
In the meantime.

Someday she'll go back to school,
when the carpools & the soccer games are through.
'Cause deep inside she's still the girl,
Who has always felt the fire to make a difference in the world.
She dreams she'll soar,
when she finally has the time to do more.

But, in the meantime, she's a sister & a teacher & a friend
& hours turn into days that turn to years that never end,
But she wonders when she'll ever really find herself again.
She's becoming one on whom God can depend,
In the mean time.

Heaven feels the joy of every victory in her life.
And Heaven hears her heart before she cries.
And somewhere in the middle of the triumphs & the trails,
She's becoming sanctified.

But, in the meantime, she's an answer & blessing & a gift
To every empty, aching heart that only she can lift.
Still she wonders if she'll ever get to see where heaven is—
If only she could see her mansion waiting there.
If only she could feel how much her Father really cares.
She would see how she's being perfectly prepared,

In the mean time.

This opportunity to be a mother - to play such a vital role in teaching these precious children all they need to know in order to fly on their own - is a blessing beyond compare.  Sometimes it is easy to get overwhelmed with the demands and forget who you are as a person.  But, these years pass so quickly.  This is the most important thing that I could be doing right now, and I know that the Lord is counting on me to get it right by doing the very best that I can.  The lives of my children are at stake, and I am a key player in the game.  But, that doesn't mean that my individuality is somehow lost.  Someday I will have more time.  But, when all is said and done, I am still me.  I have an identity outside of all of the different roles that I play for others.  And, perhaps, those roles are molding and changing me into exactly what the Lord needs me to become.

Kids and Technology

In many ways, the world today is different than the world that I grew up in.  The advancement of technology has, I believe, played a major role in that.  I remember when my parents bought our first VCR and what an exciting time that was.  I also remember our first computer and our first microwave and how the acquisition of these things seemed to make life easier.  And, don't forget about the cordless phone - that was a big one!  I really appreciated that when I was a teenager. 

As cool and "advanced" as those things were so many years ago, they pale in comparison to the technology of today.  In some ways, I get excited about all of the ways in which this stuff can make life easier.  It is hard to imagine living without a cell phone or the Internet.  The advance in technology has surely been a blessing, but I think it has also come at a cost.  I worry about my kids using the Internet and coming across all of the filth that is out there.  While knowledge is only a click away, so is access to a world that I don't want my kids to see.  That has already become an issue when my son, then 10 years old, accidentally came across pornographic images that deeply affected him.  I try to keep them safe from these influences with web filters, but they are not fool proof.  And, now the Internet is accessible on almost all cell phones and ipods.  It is hard to put filters on those things if your kids are carrying them around with them.  It continues to amaze me how many young kids are being given these devices by their parents.  My son is almost 13 years old and is now among the small minority of kids in his classes at church and school that do not have a cell phone.  Many even have the sophisticated iPhone.   Even kids in my 3rd grader's class have their own phones.  I do not understand why this is necessary.  My son has come to us begging for a phone for over a year because he feels left out.  I simply don't think this is necessary, or even a good idea.  Even if the phone cannot access the Internet, texting and picture messaging alone can get people into lots of trouble.  You don't have control over what other people send to you - in pictures or texts.  Don't even get me started on social media sites. . . or gaming. . .

I realize that I am in the minority here.  This is the world we live in.  I know that, at some point, I am going to have to allow the kids access to their own email accounts, trust them to use Facebook responsibly, and allow them to have cell phones.  What I don't know is when they are old enough to handle that responsibility.  I know that I can't shelter them forever, but nor do I want to open the door and invite trouble in, hoping that they are aware enough to recognize it and avoid it at all costs.  I don't know where the balance lies.  For now, I tell my son when he comes to me with all of the reasons that he thinks he "needs" a phone - that being different from your peers builds character.  He doesn't really appreciate that answer, but he does have to live with it.  And, he will probably have to live with it for much longer.  Maybe when he can pay for a phone, including the bill, he will be responsible enough to get one.

That may be worth considering. . .

Where to Begin?

Yesterday I said that tomorrow would be the first day of the rest of my life.  And, here I am at tomorrow.  My question is - where do I begin?  I have an idea of some things that I would like to work on, but the list can get a little overwhelming.  I feel like I am setting New Year's Resolutions - you know - the kind that never get me anywhere because I simply can't keep up with them.  I must confess that I have never been much of a goal setter in the traditional sense of the word.  Yes, I have things that I want to accomplish.  No, I don't necessarily have a concrete list and steps to help me achieve those things.  I have tried Franklin Planners that are supposed to help with that sort of thing.  I have sat down for hours and tried to come up with a list of goals and lots of mini goals in order to help me accomplish the big things.  When all is said and done, I have only ended up frustrated by trying to come up with so many goals, and nothing of significance has really gotten accomplished.  Perhaps that is wherein my problem lies.  Perhaps I need to become more goal oriented and more willing to sit down and plan out my life on a piece of paper before I actually live it.  If I am being honest, that just sounds a little boring - a little stifling.  But, I'm sure that I would get much more accomplished that way.  I know that if I continue to do what I have done in the past, I will continue to get the same results, and there are a few things that I want to change.  I need to come up with a plan that is not going to be completely overwhelming right off the bat.  Where do I start if I want to develop all of those wonderful qualities that I listed yesterday?  It seems like it may be more of a lifetime pursuit, which is alright.  But, what is step number one? 

Reflections

Lately I have become aware of so many people that are struggling with different things.  'Tis the nature of life, I suppose.  We all must deal with adversity.  Here are the recent stories that have caused me to reflect on life:

A 15 year old girl in the community just got diagnosed with a rare form of terminal cancer in which she was given only a few months to live. 

A young mother who I grew up with just passed away of cancer, leaving behind a husband and several small children.  Her brother also recently passed away, leaving behind a wife and small children.

A local police officer was just killed in the line of duty, leaving behind a wife and 2 children.

My husband's cousin, who is in his early 30's, recently had a kidney transplant.  His body is now rejecting the new kidney that was donated to him by his wife.  He needs a healthy kidney in order to stay alive.

These things all happened close to home, and all within the last couple of weeks.  My heart breaks for all of these families who are dealing with great amounts of grief and stress due to circumstances beyond their control.  It has reminded me, once again, of the fragility of life.  You just never know when your life could be turned upside down in an instant.  It has caused me to think about my life and what kind of a legacy that I want to leave behind for those who will live after me.  I think it is only natural for one to want to make a difference in the world - to leave something of value for those around them.  But, what am I doing to make a difference?  That is the question that has been on my mind. 

There have been people that I have known throughout my life that have been simply amazing - the kind of people who make a mark on your life that never goes away.  But, what have they done that is so amazing?  Sometimes it is hard to put a finger on one thing.  Most of the time it is not just one thing.  It is the quiet way that they go around doing good.  It is the lives they touch simply by being in the right place at the right time.  It is their example of faith that gives inspiration to all who know them.  It is the way that they emulate the Savior's example at every turn.  They don't belittle or gossip or say unkind words about others.  They lift. They build. They comfort. They are positive.  Being who they are makes others want to be better.  That is the kind of person that I want to be.  That is the kind of legacy that I want to leave, and I know that I have a long way to go in order to get there.  But, my resolve is to work on it - to seek the Spirit to know how I can fulfill the Lord's will - and then to do it.  I find myself thinking about things all the time, figuring out in my head how I can change different things.  Too often, however, I don't follow through.  And, that is where I need to start - by getting on my feet and getting to work.  I don't want to get to the end of my life and look back on all of the things that I wish I would have done differently.  Now is the time to do something different - to change the things that aren't going to get me to the place where I want be in the end.  So, thus it begins.  Tomorrow is a new day - a new adventure - a new opportunity to LIVE without simply going through the motions.  Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life.