Irony

It's funny how things work out sometimes in ways that you would least expect. I wrote a few weeks ago about my agony over deciding what to do with our school situation. For weeks I have tried to keep my mind open to all of the possibilities, considering each one carefully. The Lord is probably weary of my never ending pleas to find direction and, most importantly, peace. That peace is what I have sought, and I have found it to be elusive, coming only in temporary moments when I think that I found the solution that will be best. However, within hours my heart is again overrun with confusion and uncertainty, leaving me wondering when the answer will come - the one that is accompanied by lasting peace.

Throughout my life I have learned to trust in the Lord. Along with that, comes trusting in his timing. I am impatient. When praying for weeks on end does not get me any closer to the answer that I seek, I get antsy. I do not, however, lose faith that my prayers are heard. Having children of my own, I know that it is often not a good idea to give them things on demand. There is wisdom in teaching them to wait, even if they protest. I believe that the Lord sometimes withholds answers in order to teach us something - perhaps a little bit more patience, faith, or trust in him. That does not, however, mean that our prayers are not heard or answered. Sometimes the answer is simply to "wait."

Last week, I had come to a solution that I thought would be best. I had decided that I was done with the drive to the elementary school 20 minutes away, and that I was going to enroll the three older kids in the prep school in which my oldest son currently attends. I would then homeschool my first grader until she could enroll in that school as well. I was telling a friend about my decision, and she asked me if I was at peace with that decision. That caught me off guard just a little. I was trying to force myself to feel peace because it seemed like the best option that I could come up with, but I had to answer with a resounding "NO." There was no peace - only logic and my desire to be done with the commute. I went straight home and hit my knees again - pleading with the Lord to give me at least part of the solution, and I would try to figure the rest out on my own.

The Lord, in his mercy, did give me part of the answer - that homeschool was not the right thing for my family. That made it easy to figure out that it was best to keep the younger kids where they were at. That, unfortunately, was not the answer that I wanted. I had been trying as hard as I could to figure out a different solution that would be easier on me. Having kids at two different schools on opposite sides of town is just getting to be too much of a juggling act and I simply don't want to do it anymore. But, there is another option - one that we had thought about and ruled out. There is a new school opening just a couple of minutes from the elementary school. It will be new - it will be tough academically - I'm not sure if it will be the best thing for all of my kids individually. However, it would put all of my kids in school on the same street instead of 3o minutes apart. Although it will not get rid of my commute, it will make it easier in some ways. We did miss the application deadline, but I just found out that they have a few open spots in the grades that I need, so it looks like it might work out. It is ironic that this is the option that we were leaning towards way back at the beginning of this journey, but ruled it out early on for a few reasons. Now, here we are, back where we started, and I have found the peace that I have been seeking. I don't feel conflicted or confused. I don't know why it took us so long to figure out what to do, or why I wasn't at peace with this option when it was first presented. Perhaps, it was the journey that I needed. Perhaps I needed to explore all of the options in depth in order to make sure that this was the right one because this is the one that may lead to the biggest change. I am not ruling out a move to decrease the commute time at some point in the future. In fact, that may be just what we need. My husband was not even open to that option at first. He is finally coming around and at least thinking about it - which is huge. I don't know if or when that will happen. All I know is that this has been a learning experience for me. I have learned that sometimes things don't turn out how I think that they should. Sometimes the Lord leads us down unforeseen paths, and we have to be willing to step out into the darkness, believing that the path will be illuminated before us as we take that leap of faith.

Now, we'll see if we actually get spots for the two boys at this new school. It is likely, but not for sure yet. I am not worried, but enjoying the peace that is in my heart. Somehow it will all work out. Of this I am sure.