Hidden Blessings

Have you ever had one of those days with a two year old? You know just the kind I'm talking of - the fussy, want it my way, gonna scream if I can't have it days. Well, we had one of those days today. It started with him waking up on the wrong side of the bed and screaming because he didn't like his new pajamas that he was so excited about the night before - and ended with him screaming when he was put in bed because I wouldn't let him sleep with a balloon. Part of me wanted to just let him cry it out. But, I decided to take a rare opportunity to rock him to sleep. I wasn't even really planning on rocking him that long, but I was enjoying it so much that I didn't want to put him down in his crib. My days are so often spent running and constantly moving onto something else, that I rarely take advantage of opportunities like this.

As I sat there, consumed in the moment, I realized, once again, that these days are numbered. This little man is the last in our family, and he is quickly growing too big and too busy for rocking and other such quiet time with mommy. Pretty soon, these days will be only a memory, and I know that I will miss them profoundly. I realize that it is idealistic to think that I can have moments like this on a daily basis. He is an independent little go-getter. He often doesn't wait for me to help him - he looks for a solution that he can accomplish on his own. That is all well and good. I really would prefer it that way. However, I do miss the cuddle time that I used to have when he was still tiny. I miss the days of snuggling him on my chest and smelling his newborn head as he fell asleep. I miss being able to rock him and stare into his eyes, wondering what he would grow up to become. I even miss those middle of the night feedings when I could have a quiet house to look in wonder at the miracle that I held in my arms. Now, this kind of wonder did not happen on a nightly basis, and I surely did not enjoy those early morning feedings all the time. But, there were times when I did, and I cherish those memories.

I am in a bit of a strange place right now. This little guy is that last of five children. Each time I had a child his age, I was always either pregnant or thinking about it. It is strange to be at a point where that is all behind me. It makes me sad that he is growing up so fast. But, I also have much to look forward to. I am not longing for the past, as much as I am trying to hold onto the moment while remembering those sweet things that brought me so much joy. The memory of them still brings me joy, and I know that the memory of the things that are happening now will someday make me smile and appreciate all the time that I did have with my kids when they were little. But, I look forward to the future with much hope. Life with teenagers will be much different than life with babies and toddlers. But, I am sure that each stage will come with its own unique challenges and blessings. So, for today, I am thankful for a fussy toddler who convinced me in his own toddler way to take a moment to make a memory. At that moment, there were no deadlines, no distractions, no places that I had to be or people who were waiting on me. There was only me, a fussy toddler, and a rocking chair - and that was enough to make an impression that will be with me for years to come.

Close Calls

Today I had one of those close calls that really gets your blood rushing. I was on my way to the airport to pick up my parents who were coming to town for my daughter's baptism this weekend. I was inches away from getting into a REALLY bad accident. It could have been horrible. I was shaking afterwards, amazed that we had escaped unscathed. I knew that my guardian angels had been watching over me and my three kids who were in the car with me. It was one of those things that was scary in the moment, and terrifying afterwards when I had time to think about what could have happened.

Oh, the fragility of life!!! In an instant, my life, and that of my family could have been forever changed. Who knows what would have happened - it could have been really awful! My daughter's baptism could have been overshadowed by half of her family ending up in really bad shape after an accident. The what ifs are almost too awful to think about. But, I have thought about them - and I am simply thankful to be alive and well. I'm thankful that my kids are alright. I'm thankful that my life has been left untouched by tragedy. But, I don't know that I have been left entirely unchanged. I have been reminded, once again, and perhaps more personally, how I need to be thankful for my life - for every day - every moment. You never know when those moments might be gone forever. Tragedy strikes the unsuspecting everyday. Am I living in a way that would leave me in peace should the unforeseen happen without warning?

The answer to that question is a resounding NO! I cannot say that I have been doing the best that I can. Not that I need to be perfect, as I have made clear in the previous post. But, I need to be more aware of the beauty of life that comes in moments. I need to allow myself the freedom to rise above the mundane daily chores in order to "smell the roses" - to see the beauty that I would miss otherwise. I need to hold my kids and husband a little tighter and make sure that they know that I love them. I need to take advantage of opportunities that I often pass up because I'm too busy. There needs to be time for enjoyment -time for loving - time for truly living. Of course, I hope that my life continues to remain free from tragedy. But, if it should strike, I don't want to look back with regret for things left undone - unsaid. It came too close for comfort today, and I am more grateful for what I have - for the things in life that are truly important.

Perfection

Once upon a time, I had a dream of perfection - or getting as close to it as possible. I dreamed of perfect children who would always be obedient. I dreamed of being the perfect parent to those children - the one who would never lose her temper, and always be found on the floor playing with them, or planning outings and activities to maximize the time that she had with them. I dreamed of having a perfectly clean house at all times, regardless of the number of children that were running around. That house would, of course, be decorated beautifully. I dreamed of being the perfect wife - always cheerful and helpful, the perfect neighbor, daughter, friend, cook, etc, etc. . . you get the idea.

Living up to such unrealistic expectations can be quite a challenge! I tried it for awhile, and was quite hard on myself when I didn't fit the mold that I had created. It sometimes even felt like an unwritten expectation among my fellow sisters that, in order to be a good Latter Day Saint woman, you needed to do all of these things, and do them well. When I had three young kids who refused to behave in church, and I had to take them out into the hall week after week (sometimes amidst great screams of protest), I felt like a failure. After all, everybody else seemed quite capable of teaching their children to behave. When I lost my cool after hours of whining children, I was most definitely a failure. My kids would, after all, probably grow up thinking that I never loved them. When my house was a mess after a hectic day and somebody dropped by, I was mortified! They might see that I was not a very good housekeeper and think of me as a slob. That myth of perfection that I was trying to uphold would then be blown out of the water. What would people think of me then?

Looking at it from where I sit today, I am rebelling against that myth. We've all heard the saying that "nobody is perfect." So, why do so many people feel like they need to appear that way? Why did I spend years of my life stressing over every little thing, and being so hard on myself when I did not measure up to some standard that seemed to be easily met by everybody else?

I believe that they key word in all of that is "seemed." It is easy to compare myself to others, but I will ALWAYS come up lacking. I will never be as pretty, as smart, as organized, as charitable. . . as whatever. Things are not always as they seem. Perhaps those people are also looking at themselves and wondering why everybody else seems to have it all together. Why do we, as women, do this to ourselves?

I will never forget an elderly sister who was in my ward several years ago. She had raised five righteous children, and was one of those women that you can't help but admire. She saw me struggling with my three active, noisy children in church week after week. One week, she saw me in the hallway holding a screaming child, and I was apparently visibly frustrated. She went out of her way to come up to me and say "Your kids are so cute." I thought it was odd that she would pick that moment to say such a thing. She went on to say "They have got some spunk. That means that they will grow up to do great things."

Although, at that moment, I wasn't sure if her comment was sincere, or if she was just trying to make me feel better, she taught me a very important lesson. She, who was a seasoned parent, and had successfully raised a righteous posterity, was essentially telling me - a young mother who had no clue what I was doing - that things didn't have to be perfect to turn out alright. In fact, things don't even have to come close to perfection - and the end result can be amazing. That does require letting go of those unmet and perhaps unrealistic expectations of perfection, or the appearance thereof. And, that is not as easy as it sounds - at least it has not been for me. Little by little, as I have grown more confidant in myself as an individual and as a unique daughter of God, I have been able to let some things go with the realization that I do not have to do everything just right in order to be needed, loved, and appreciated - at least by some people. That is enough for me now, where, for so long, the mere thought was incomprehensible.

Now, I'm not saying that I have given up all of my dreams. I still dream of my kids turning out great. By their behavior some days, that is a lofty dream, indeed, but one that I think is possible. I have given up hope for a constantly clean house. Five kids has proven to be too much there. Most of the time I have to settle for picked up. If you stop by unannounced, don't expect it to be clean!! I think I can still be good at lots of things without having to feel like a failure when I don't do everything just right. Life is too short to stress over so many little things! So, you may find me doing something else when I "should be" cleaning my house. Or, if you come to the luncheon that will be at my house after my daughter's baptism of Saturday (feel free to stop by), you might not find anything yummy and homemade. It just might all be from Costco. And, guess what - I am OK with that!