I am so Blessed

It is often easy to get caught up in the daily grind and forget about the important things in my life. But, lately I have been reminded of how blessed I am.

My husband's cousin, who is only 31 years old, just got both of his kidneys removed as a result of a genetic disorder - poly cystic kidney disease - that runs in my husband's family. It is a dominant disease, meaning that a parent who has the gene has a 50% chance of passing it on to each of their children. We have no idea how widespread the disease is among the family because it usually doesn't cause any problems until late in life. We do, however, know that my sister in law has the disease. There is a potential that my husband could have it as well, although he did get a kidney ultrasound at age 29 and had no cysts, so it is unlikely that any will develop. It eventually leads to kidney failure, and the need for a transplant, which takes us back to his cousin. . .

He and his wife have been staying with us off and on when they come down to the hospital from a small town that doesn't have adequate medical care. A few weeks ago, his wife was here for a week as he had the surgery necessary to remove both kidneys in preparation for a transplant. He has spent the last month on dialysis and his health is not holding up well. Trying to get a donor solidified has been difficult, so his wife finally decided that she would give one of her kidneys to him. That surgery is scheduled in about a week and a half. This young couple has three young children who now have to witness both of their parents going into very risky surgery. We have faith that this will be what is needed, and everything will be alright.

In the meantime, they are living with his parents. The wife is working long days to try to provide for her family while her husband is in and out of the hospital. It is not uncommon for them to leave the kids in the care of others for days at a time for medical care. The situation is stressful and difficult for all of them.

In all of her comings and goings, this sweet wife, who has been watching her husband's health deteriorating over the past couple of years, reminded me of what is important in life. She said, "You may not think that you have it all, but all I want is what you have."

I do realize how blessed I am. I have a wonderful husband who does an awesome job of taking care of the kids and I. He treats me like a queen and does all in his power to make me happy. I have five beautiful, healthy children who are far from perfect, but try so hard to do what is right. My husband and I have good health and can keep up with the never ending demands on our time and energy. We have a beautiful home, even if it doesn't have all the space that I would like. We have the gospel which gives us direction and peace amidst the craziness of our lives. I cannot complain about any of it. The fact that I take it for granted at all is shameful. So, today, I am counting my blessings, grateful for Lord's tender mercies in my life.

"We may not have it all together, but together we have it all."

Kids Can be so Cruel

Kids can be so cruel. As a mother, it is hard to watch one of your kids doing their best to wade through a sea of teasing from their supposed "friends." That seems to be the lot of one of my boys lately. Each day after school I will ask him about his day, and he will say something like "Well, it was kind of good." When pressed a little further, he will proceed to tell me about the latest thing that somebody said to hurt his feelings. He is ten, and it is hard to get an adequate picture of what is actually going on, but what I hear makes me really sad. He is afraid to wear his glasses at school because, as he put it the other day, he wants to look "normal." He only got them a couple of months ago, but the kids told him that the glasses were not going to help him to be any smarter. Who would want to wear the glasses after that? Then, too, he is a sports lover. His coordination is not always up to par, but he sure loves to play football and basketball. So, to have kids yelling at him when he misses a shot, drops the football, or doesn't quite get the pass to the intended person- is painful.

The insult continued when he was told that he sings horribly, even though he loves to sing. And, as he tries to follow a year behind his older brother who got every solo in music and straight A's without even trying, the kids think it is really funny to call him by his brother's name, despite his pleas for them to call him by his own name. Each day he comes home with a new story, and each night he prays that the kids won't make fun of him. It tears my heart out, but what can I do? This is my social child - the one who makes friends so easily and seems to feel comfortable quickly in most social situations. At some point, everybody needs to learn to deal with people who aren't very nice. But, day after day of cruelty is not good for anybody.

I wish I could be a fly on the wall to watch what is going on each day. Is he just being extra sensitive? Are the kids doing it intentionally, or just joking? Is he making a big deal out of something small, or is it really as it seems to me - getting out of control? I don't know that there is much I can do either way. Perhaps I need to talk to his teacher. There is a couple more months of school left, after which he will be moving to a different school in the fall. But, for now, I just pray that he will be alright - that he will not give credence to the mean things that the kids are saying to him. It has been hard enough for him to find something that he does well. In fact, I don't know that he has really finds his niche. That is not to say that he doesn't do anything well. He is very good at many things. He is just like me in that his talents are not always broadcast for the world to see, or have not been fully developed yet. And, the last thing he needs is somebody pointing out all that the doesn't do well - or as well as his brother.

Once again, kids can be so cruel. . .

Consider the Lilies

I have made an extremely astute observation that I am downright horrible at making decisions. I think I have already talked a little bit about that in a previous post, but it is sure staring me in the face right now. I worry so much about making the "Right" decision that I can't seem to come to any conclusion at all. I analyze every possible angle and look at every possible scenario that I can imagine, which amounts to mere confusion and inability to move forward with anything. Now, I am not talking about the normal everyday decisions, such as what to wear or what to do with my "spare" time that is usually scarce. Instead, I speak of those decisions whose outcomes could potentially have a major impact on life.

This is the time of year in which I am always forced to re-evaluate the educational choices that I have made for my kids. I do wish the decision could be as easy as sending them to the public school down the street. But, for me, it is not so. Our experience with said public school was anything but impressive, which caused us to look at other options. So, for the past few years, we have been playing this "game," for that is truly what is feels like. I am grateful that we have more options. The trouble comes in trying to figure out which option is best for all of my kids, who are all so different. Trying to figure this out every year (because every year more options become available) is a major source of stress for me. I wonder if I make too much out of it. I want to make sure that I am giving the kids the best opportunities for education that I can provide, but at what cost? I am not referring to monetary cost - but in time, travel, etc.

For the past two years, we have had the kids at a charter school that is about 20 minutes from our house. They are all doing well and loving it, so we are happy there. However, the commute gets tiresome. This year we had our 6th grader closer to home at a new charter "prep" school. He was set on going there, so we let him test the waters for us to see if it was an option for the rest of the kids (they offer grades 3-10, with hopes to add the younger grades in the next couple of years). It has been a good fit for him, but I'm not sure about staying there long term. I have my reservations and I'm not sure it will be good for all the kids. In the high school grades, the curriculum is very difficult, but offers no AP option. They will be taking very difficult classes, only to retake them in college because there is no option to get college credit. That is a major drawback for me, among other minor ones. I could move my 2nd and 5th graders there next year, but I'm really dragging my feet on that one. Oh, how I would love to have them so close, but it comes at a cost that I'm not sure that I'm willing to pay. The strip mall style school (which it is) does not cut it for elementary kids, in my opinion.

Now, another option has presented itself. A new 5-12 grade charter is opening in partnership with the elementary school that the kids currently attend. It's Tucson counterpart has consistently been ranked in the top 10 high schools in the country by Newsweek and US News and World Report, even earning the top spot one year. Their curriculum sounds amazing, and it will be right down the street from the elementary school. Why wouldn't I try to get the boys in there for next year?!? What an amazing opportunity. I'm already making the commute.

Here's where things get sticky in my mind. I would love to give them this opportunity, but its complicated. If I move them again, it has to be for good. I can't keep playing this game because it is absolutely not fair to the kids. But, I have always hoped to have them closer to home, which would be possible at the prep school that my son is currently attending. I get a pit in my stomach thinking of committing to keep them all there for the long haul. This other school sounds perfect, but what if it is not all it is cracked up to be? I would be committing to that commute at least twice everyday for the next 15 years to get my youngest through high school. Carpooling would be difficult because not many people have room for 4 extra kids in their carpool. It would fall on my shoulders. Then, what about Seminary, which is currently early morning? That is only a couple of years away. How would I work out the logistics of getting kids to seminary and then to school? (The church is almost 15 minutes from our house in the opposite direction.) What about after school activities in high school? I can already see that I would eventually get tired and want to move closer to the schools, leaving my husband to commute, which would not even be a big deal to do once a day. It's the two or three times that will get tiresome! However, he is completely opposed to the thought of moving at any point in the future, unless it is to another house in our town.

Am I totally blowing this out of proportion, because I think that is a very real possibility? Education is important, but other things are as well. Am I just seeking for the perfect school that doesn't exist? But, what if there is more to it that that? What if it goes beyond education to people and experiences that will only be possible under certain circumstances? My parents lived here for 10 years while I grew up and graduated from high school, in which time my mom desperately wanted to move. Almost as soon as I left for college, my dad got a job in another state and they left. But, living here allowed my path to cross with my husband's, and the course of my life was drastically affected. What if they were here for me, at least partially? It was worth the sacrifice, if that is the case.

There I go again. . . analyzing and trying to figure out the future. Perhaps that is my problem. I have never been good at accepting the unknown. That is where faith comes in, and I need to have more of that, which brings me to my whole point. (I know, most of you are probably not even still with me - but it was therapeutic!) Yesterday I was reading in Matthew 6, and a particular scripture made a big impact on me. It talks of the lilies and the birds and how the Lord cares for them just as he will care for us if we trust him. But, the verse that grabbed my attention was verse 34.

"Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow will take thought for the things of itself."

How simple, yet how profound! I just need to trust that the Lord will provide for my tomorrows. I know that he will help me to make the right decision for my family, even if it takes me awhile to figure out what that is. If the decision about which school is that important, he will let me know. And, if not, and the decision is up to me. . . heaven help me!!!!

A Year in Review

I got out my journal this afternoon and looked back at the New Year's Resolutions that I so dutifully wrote at the end of last year. I am sad to admit that I am not much of a goal setter in the traditional sense of the word. It's not that I don't have goals and dreams for my life - I'm just not the best at writing them down and coming up with a plan to make them happen. But, having said that, I still try to write a few goals as I look to a new year. Most of the time, I end up writing so many that I am completely overwhelmed in a week and totally give up trying. Last year, in an attempt to avoid that, I only wrote down a few. Given my previous confession, I pretty much wrote them down and then forgot about them. Out of sheer curiosity, I got them out today just to see how I did on my lofty goals for 2010.

I had a total of 6 goals. Confession time:

1. Scripture Study daily. . . NO. . . I tried, but was less than successful. That seems to be one that carries from year to year. One of these years I am going to get it down. . . maybe this year!

2. Journal daily. . . Let's see. . . my last entry was on November 1. . . It's only been two months. That doesn't really qualify as daily, does it?!? I did write a couple of times on most months, with the exception of the last two. The holidays are busy. . . is that rationalization?

3. Buy a new camera. . . YES!! That was a fun one to accomplish.

4. Take a photography class. . . YES - two! I have learned a lot and had fun doing it. I still have a long way to go until I will be really satisfied with my work, but I think I have made some progress.

5. Send birthday cards to family members. . . NO. . . I started out on a good note, but fell off the bandwagon about halfway through the year. Why is that so hard for me? It really only takes a minute.

6. Organize one room every month. . . NOT REALLY. . . I feel like I am constantly cleaning. Organizing, that is another story. I am doing good if I can get things picked up. I do wish that I were more organized, though.

The Verdict. . . 33% accomplished. Wow - not so good! I would say that I have some work to do.

I have not yet sat down to plan out my list of goals for 2011. Perhaps this will be the year that I will accomplish what I set out to do. Any suggestions from all of you master goal setters? I think I may be in need of a tutorial.

Hidden Blessings

Have you ever had one of those days with a two year old? You know just the kind I'm talking of - the fussy, want it my way, gonna scream if I can't have it days. Well, we had one of those days today. It started with him waking up on the wrong side of the bed and screaming because he didn't like his new pajamas that he was so excited about the night before - and ended with him screaming when he was put in bed because I wouldn't let him sleep with a balloon. Part of me wanted to just let him cry it out. But, I decided to take a rare opportunity to rock him to sleep. I wasn't even really planning on rocking him that long, but I was enjoying it so much that I didn't want to put him down in his crib. My days are so often spent running and constantly moving onto something else, that I rarely take advantage of opportunities like this.

As I sat there, consumed in the moment, I realized, once again, that these days are numbered. This little man is the last in our family, and he is quickly growing too big and too busy for rocking and other such quiet time with mommy. Pretty soon, these days will be only a memory, and I know that I will miss them profoundly. I realize that it is idealistic to think that I can have moments like this on a daily basis. He is an independent little go-getter. He often doesn't wait for me to help him - he looks for a solution that he can accomplish on his own. That is all well and good. I really would prefer it that way. However, I do miss the cuddle time that I used to have when he was still tiny. I miss the days of snuggling him on my chest and smelling his newborn head as he fell asleep. I miss being able to rock him and stare into his eyes, wondering what he would grow up to become. I even miss those middle of the night feedings when I could have a quiet house to look in wonder at the miracle that I held in my arms. Now, this kind of wonder did not happen on a nightly basis, and I surely did not enjoy those early morning feedings all the time. But, there were times when I did, and I cherish those memories.

I am in a bit of a strange place right now. This little guy is that last of five children. Each time I had a child his age, I was always either pregnant or thinking about it. It is strange to be at a point where that is all behind me. It makes me sad that he is growing up so fast. But, I also have much to look forward to. I am not longing for the past, as much as I am trying to hold onto the moment while remembering those sweet things that brought me so much joy. The memory of them still brings me joy, and I know that the memory of the things that are happening now will someday make me smile and appreciate all the time that I did have with my kids when they were little. But, I look forward to the future with much hope. Life with teenagers will be much different than life with babies and toddlers. But, I am sure that each stage will come with its own unique challenges and blessings. So, for today, I am thankful for a fussy toddler who convinced me in his own toddler way to take a moment to make a memory. At that moment, there were no deadlines, no distractions, no places that I had to be or people who were waiting on me. There was only me, a fussy toddler, and a rocking chair - and that was enough to make an impression that will be with me for years to come.

Close Calls

Today I had one of those close calls that really gets your blood rushing. I was on my way to the airport to pick up my parents who were coming to town for my daughter's baptism this weekend. I was inches away from getting into a REALLY bad accident. It could have been horrible. I was shaking afterwards, amazed that we had escaped unscathed. I knew that my guardian angels had been watching over me and my three kids who were in the car with me. It was one of those things that was scary in the moment, and terrifying afterwards when I had time to think about what could have happened.

Oh, the fragility of life!!! In an instant, my life, and that of my family could have been forever changed. Who knows what would have happened - it could have been really awful! My daughter's baptism could have been overshadowed by half of her family ending up in really bad shape after an accident. The what ifs are almost too awful to think about. But, I have thought about them - and I am simply thankful to be alive and well. I'm thankful that my kids are alright. I'm thankful that my life has been left untouched by tragedy. But, I don't know that I have been left entirely unchanged. I have been reminded, once again, and perhaps more personally, how I need to be thankful for my life - for every day - every moment. You never know when those moments might be gone forever. Tragedy strikes the unsuspecting everyday. Am I living in a way that would leave me in peace should the unforeseen happen without warning?

The answer to that question is a resounding NO! I cannot say that I have been doing the best that I can. Not that I need to be perfect, as I have made clear in the previous post. But, I need to be more aware of the beauty of life that comes in moments. I need to allow myself the freedom to rise above the mundane daily chores in order to "smell the roses" - to see the beauty that I would miss otherwise. I need to hold my kids and husband a little tighter and make sure that they know that I love them. I need to take advantage of opportunities that I often pass up because I'm too busy. There needs to be time for enjoyment -time for loving - time for truly living. Of course, I hope that my life continues to remain free from tragedy. But, if it should strike, I don't want to look back with regret for things left undone - unsaid. It came too close for comfort today, and I am more grateful for what I have - for the things in life that are truly important.

Perfection

Once upon a time, I had a dream of perfection - or getting as close to it as possible. I dreamed of perfect children who would always be obedient. I dreamed of being the perfect parent to those children - the one who would never lose her temper, and always be found on the floor playing with them, or planning outings and activities to maximize the time that she had with them. I dreamed of having a perfectly clean house at all times, regardless of the number of children that were running around. That house would, of course, be decorated beautifully. I dreamed of being the perfect wife - always cheerful and helpful, the perfect neighbor, daughter, friend, cook, etc, etc. . . you get the idea.

Living up to such unrealistic expectations can be quite a challenge! I tried it for awhile, and was quite hard on myself when I didn't fit the mold that I had created. It sometimes even felt like an unwritten expectation among my fellow sisters that, in order to be a good Latter Day Saint woman, you needed to do all of these things, and do them well. When I had three young kids who refused to behave in church, and I had to take them out into the hall week after week (sometimes amidst great screams of protest), I felt like a failure. After all, everybody else seemed quite capable of teaching their children to behave. When I lost my cool after hours of whining children, I was most definitely a failure. My kids would, after all, probably grow up thinking that I never loved them. When my house was a mess after a hectic day and somebody dropped by, I was mortified! They might see that I was not a very good housekeeper and think of me as a slob. That myth of perfection that I was trying to uphold would then be blown out of the water. What would people think of me then?

Looking at it from where I sit today, I am rebelling against that myth. We've all heard the saying that "nobody is perfect." So, why do so many people feel like they need to appear that way? Why did I spend years of my life stressing over every little thing, and being so hard on myself when I did not measure up to some standard that seemed to be easily met by everybody else?

I believe that they key word in all of that is "seemed." It is easy to compare myself to others, but I will ALWAYS come up lacking. I will never be as pretty, as smart, as organized, as charitable. . . as whatever. Things are not always as they seem. Perhaps those people are also looking at themselves and wondering why everybody else seems to have it all together. Why do we, as women, do this to ourselves?

I will never forget an elderly sister who was in my ward several years ago. She had raised five righteous children, and was one of those women that you can't help but admire. She saw me struggling with my three active, noisy children in church week after week. One week, she saw me in the hallway holding a screaming child, and I was apparently visibly frustrated. She went out of her way to come up to me and say "Your kids are so cute." I thought it was odd that she would pick that moment to say such a thing. She went on to say "They have got some spunk. That means that they will grow up to do great things."

Although, at that moment, I wasn't sure if her comment was sincere, or if she was just trying to make me feel better, she taught me a very important lesson. She, who was a seasoned parent, and had successfully raised a righteous posterity, was essentially telling me - a young mother who had no clue what I was doing - that things didn't have to be perfect to turn out alright. In fact, things don't even have to come close to perfection - and the end result can be amazing. That does require letting go of those unmet and perhaps unrealistic expectations of perfection, or the appearance thereof. And, that is not as easy as it sounds - at least it has not been for me. Little by little, as I have grown more confidant in myself as an individual and as a unique daughter of God, I have been able to let some things go with the realization that I do not have to do everything just right in order to be needed, loved, and appreciated - at least by some people. That is enough for me now, where, for so long, the mere thought was incomprehensible.

Now, I'm not saying that I have given up all of my dreams. I still dream of my kids turning out great. By their behavior some days, that is a lofty dream, indeed, but one that I think is possible. I have given up hope for a constantly clean house. Five kids has proven to be too much there. Most of the time I have to settle for picked up. If you stop by unannounced, don't expect it to be clean!! I think I can still be good at lots of things without having to feel like a failure when I don't do everything just right. Life is too short to stress over so many little things! So, you may find me doing something else when I "should be" cleaning my house. Or, if you come to the luncheon that will be at my house after my daughter's baptism of Saturday (feel free to stop by), you might not find anything yummy and homemade. It just might all be from Costco. And, guess what - I am OK with that!