Hidden Blessings

Have you ever had one of those days with a two year old? You know just the kind I'm talking of - the fussy, want it my way, gonna scream if I can't have it days. Well, we had one of those days today. It started with him waking up on the wrong side of the bed and screaming because he didn't like his new pajamas that he was so excited about the night before - and ended with him screaming when he was put in bed because I wouldn't let him sleep with a balloon. Part of me wanted to just let him cry it out. But, I decided to take a rare opportunity to rock him to sleep. I wasn't even really planning on rocking him that long, but I was enjoying it so much that I didn't want to put him down in his crib. My days are so often spent running and constantly moving onto something else, that I rarely take advantage of opportunities like this.

As I sat there, consumed in the moment, I realized, once again, that these days are numbered. This little man is the last in our family, and he is quickly growing too big and too busy for rocking and other such quiet time with mommy. Pretty soon, these days will be only a memory, and I know that I will miss them profoundly. I realize that it is idealistic to think that I can have moments like this on a daily basis. He is an independent little go-getter. He often doesn't wait for me to help him - he looks for a solution that he can accomplish on his own. That is all well and good. I really would prefer it that way. However, I do miss the cuddle time that I used to have when he was still tiny. I miss the days of snuggling him on my chest and smelling his newborn head as he fell asleep. I miss being able to rock him and stare into his eyes, wondering what he would grow up to become. I even miss those middle of the night feedings when I could have a quiet house to look in wonder at the miracle that I held in my arms. Now, this kind of wonder did not happen on a nightly basis, and I surely did not enjoy those early morning feedings all the time. But, there were times when I did, and I cherish those memories.

I am in a bit of a strange place right now. This little guy is that last of five children. Each time I had a child his age, I was always either pregnant or thinking about it. It is strange to be at a point where that is all behind me. It makes me sad that he is growing up so fast. But, I also have much to look forward to. I am not longing for the past, as much as I am trying to hold onto the moment while remembering those sweet things that brought me so much joy. The memory of them still brings me joy, and I know that the memory of the things that are happening now will someday make me smile and appreciate all the time that I did have with my kids when they were little. But, I look forward to the future with much hope. Life with teenagers will be much different than life with babies and toddlers. But, I am sure that each stage will come with its own unique challenges and blessings. So, for today, I am thankful for a fussy toddler who convinced me in his own toddler way to take a moment to make a memory. At that moment, there were no deadlines, no distractions, no places that I had to be or people who were waiting on me. There was only me, a fussy toddler, and a rocking chair - and that was enough to make an impression that will be with me for years to come.