Perfection

Once upon a time, I had a dream of perfection - or getting as close to it as possible. I dreamed of perfect children who would always be obedient. I dreamed of being the perfect parent to those children - the one who would never lose her temper, and always be found on the floor playing with them, or planning outings and activities to maximize the time that she had with them. I dreamed of having a perfectly clean house at all times, regardless of the number of children that were running around. That house would, of course, be decorated beautifully. I dreamed of being the perfect wife - always cheerful and helpful, the perfect neighbor, daughter, friend, cook, etc, etc. . . you get the idea.

Living up to such unrealistic expectations can be quite a challenge! I tried it for awhile, and was quite hard on myself when I didn't fit the mold that I had created. It sometimes even felt like an unwritten expectation among my fellow sisters that, in order to be a good Latter Day Saint woman, you needed to do all of these things, and do them well. When I had three young kids who refused to behave in church, and I had to take them out into the hall week after week (sometimes amidst great screams of protest), I felt like a failure. After all, everybody else seemed quite capable of teaching their children to behave. When I lost my cool after hours of whining children, I was most definitely a failure. My kids would, after all, probably grow up thinking that I never loved them. When my house was a mess after a hectic day and somebody dropped by, I was mortified! They might see that I was not a very good housekeeper and think of me as a slob. That myth of perfection that I was trying to uphold would then be blown out of the water. What would people think of me then?

Looking at it from where I sit today, I am rebelling against that myth. We've all heard the saying that "nobody is perfect." So, why do so many people feel like they need to appear that way? Why did I spend years of my life stressing over every little thing, and being so hard on myself when I did not measure up to some standard that seemed to be easily met by everybody else?

I believe that they key word in all of that is "seemed." It is easy to compare myself to others, but I will ALWAYS come up lacking. I will never be as pretty, as smart, as organized, as charitable. . . as whatever. Things are not always as they seem. Perhaps those people are also looking at themselves and wondering why everybody else seems to have it all together. Why do we, as women, do this to ourselves?

I will never forget an elderly sister who was in my ward several years ago. She had raised five righteous children, and was one of those women that you can't help but admire. She saw me struggling with my three active, noisy children in church week after week. One week, she saw me in the hallway holding a screaming child, and I was apparently visibly frustrated. She went out of her way to come up to me and say "Your kids are so cute." I thought it was odd that she would pick that moment to say such a thing. She went on to say "They have got some spunk. That means that they will grow up to do great things."

Although, at that moment, I wasn't sure if her comment was sincere, or if she was just trying to make me feel better, she taught me a very important lesson. She, who was a seasoned parent, and had successfully raised a righteous posterity, was essentially telling me - a young mother who had no clue what I was doing - that things didn't have to be perfect to turn out alright. In fact, things don't even have to come close to perfection - and the end result can be amazing. That does require letting go of those unmet and perhaps unrealistic expectations of perfection, or the appearance thereof. And, that is not as easy as it sounds - at least it has not been for me. Little by little, as I have grown more confidant in myself as an individual and as a unique daughter of God, I have been able to let some things go with the realization that I do not have to do everything just right in order to be needed, loved, and appreciated - at least by some people. That is enough for me now, where, for so long, the mere thought was incomprehensible.

Now, I'm not saying that I have given up all of my dreams. I still dream of my kids turning out great. By their behavior some days, that is a lofty dream, indeed, but one that I think is possible. I have given up hope for a constantly clean house. Five kids has proven to be too much there. Most of the time I have to settle for picked up. If you stop by unannounced, don't expect it to be clean!! I think I can still be good at lots of things without having to feel like a failure when I don't do everything just right. Life is too short to stress over so many little things! So, you may find me doing something else when I "should be" cleaning my house. Or, if you come to the luncheon that will be at my house after my daughter's baptism of Saturday (feel free to stop by), you might not find anything yummy and homemade. It just might all be from Costco. And, guess what - I am OK with that!