Consider the Lilies

I have made an extremely astute observation that I am downright horrible at making decisions. I think I have already talked a little bit about that in a previous post, but it is sure staring me in the face right now. I worry so much about making the "Right" decision that I can't seem to come to any conclusion at all. I analyze every possible angle and look at every possible scenario that I can imagine, which amounts to mere confusion and inability to move forward with anything. Now, I am not talking about the normal everyday decisions, such as what to wear or what to do with my "spare" time that is usually scarce. Instead, I speak of those decisions whose outcomes could potentially have a major impact on life.

This is the time of year in which I am always forced to re-evaluate the educational choices that I have made for my kids. I do wish the decision could be as easy as sending them to the public school down the street. But, for me, it is not so. Our experience with said public school was anything but impressive, which caused us to look at other options. So, for the past few years, we have been playing this "game," for that is truly what is feels like. I am grateful that we have more options. The trouble comes in trying to figure out which option is best for all of my kids, who are all so different. Trying to figure this out every year (because every year more options become available) is a major source of stress for me. I wonder if I make too much out of it. I want to make sure that I am giving the kids the best opportunities for education that I can provide, but at what cost? I am not referring to monetary cost - but in time, travel, etc.

For the past two years, we have had the kids at a charter school that is about 20 minutes from our house. They are all doing well and loving it, so we are happy there. However, the commute gets tiresome. This year we had our 6th grader closer to home at a new charter "prep" school. He was set on going there, so we let him test the waters for us to see if it was an option for the rest of the kids (they offer grades 3-10, with hopes to add the younger grades in the next couple of years). It has been a good fit for him, but I'm not sure about staying there long term. I have my reservations and I'm not sure it will be good for all the kids. In the high school grades, the curriculum is very difficult, but offers no AP option. They will be taking very difficult classes, only to retake them in college because there is no option to get college credit. That is a major drawback for me, among other minor ones. I could move my 2nd and 5th graders there next year, but I'm really dragging my feet on that one. Oh, how I would love to have them so close, but it comes at a cost that I'm not sure that I'm willing to pay. The strip mall style school (which it is) does not cut it for elementary kids, in my opinion.

Now, another option has presented itself. A new 5-12 grade charter is opening in partnership with the elementary school that the kids currently attend. It's Tucson counterpart has consistently been ranked in the top 10 high schools in the country by Newsweek and US News and World Report, even earning the top spot one year. Their curriculum sounds amazing, and it will be right down the street from the elementary school. Why wouldn't I try to get the boys in there for next year?!? What an amazing opportunity. I'm already making the commute.

Here's where things get sticky in my mind. I would love to give them this opportunity, but its complicated. If I move them again, it has to be for good. I can't keep playing this game because it is absolutely not fair to the kids. But, I have always hoped to have them closer to home, which would be possible at the prep school that my son is currently attending. I get a pit in my stomach thinking of committing to keep them all there for the long haul. This other school sounds perfect, but what if it is not all it is cracked up to be? I would be committing to that commute at least twice everyday for the next 15 years to get my youngest through high school. Carpooling would be difficult because not many people have room for 4 extra kids in their carpool. It would fall on my shoulders. Then, what about Seminary, which is currently early morning? That is only a couple of years away. How would I work out the logistics of getting kids to seminary and then to school? (The church is almost 15 minutes from our house in the opposite direction.) What about after school activities in high school? I can already see that I would eventually get tired and want to move closer to the schools, leaving my husband to commute, which would not even be a big deal to do once a day. It's the two or three times that will get tiresome! However, he is completely opposed to the thought of moving at any point in the future, unless it is to another house in our town.

Am I totally blowing this out of proportion, because I think that is a very real possibility? Education is important, but other things are as well. Am I just seeking for the perfect school that doesn't exist? But, what if there is more to it that that? What if it goes beyond education to people and experiences that will only be possible under certain circumstances? My parents lived here for 10 years while I grew up and graduated from high school, in which time my mom desperately wanted to move. Almost as soon as I left for college, my dad got a job in another state and they left. But, living here allowed my path to cross with my husband's, and the course of my life was drastically affected. What if they were here for me, at least partially? It was worth the sacrifice, if that is the case.

There I go again. . . analyzing and trying to figure out the future. Perhaps that is my problem. I have never been good at accepting the unknown. That is where faith comes in, and I need to have more of that, which brings me to my whole point. (I know, most of you are probably not even still with me - but it was therapeutic!) Yesterday I was reading in Matthew 6, and a particular scripture made a big impact on me. It talks of the lilies and the birds and how the Lord cares for them just as he will care for us if we trust him. But, the verse that grabbed my attention was verse 34.

"Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow will take thought for the things of itself."

How simple, yet how profound! I just need to trust that the Lord will provide for my tomorrows. I know that he will help me to make the right decision for my family, even if it takes me awhile to figure out what that is. If the decision about which school is that important, he will let me know. And, if not, and the decision is up to me. . . heaven help me!!!!

A Year in Review

I got out my journal this afternoon and looked back at the New Year's Resolutions that I so dutifully wrote at the end of last year. I am sad to admit that I am not much of a goal setter in the traditional sense of the word. It's not that I don't have goals and dreams for my life - I'm just not the best at writing them down and coming up with a plan to make them happen. But, having said that, I still try to write a few goals as I look to a new year. Most of the time, I end up writing so many that I am completely overwhelmed in a week and totally give up trying. Last year, in an attempt to avoid that, I only wrote down a few. Given my previous confession, I pretty much wrote them down and then forgot about them. Out of sheer curiosity, I got them out today just to see how I did on my lofty goals for 2010.

I had a total of 6 goals. Confession time:

1. Scripture Study daily. . . NO. . . I tried, but was less than successful. That seems to be one that carries from year to year. One of these years I am going to get it down. . . maybe this year!

2. Journal daily. . . Let's see. . . my last entry was on November 1. . . It's only been two months. That doesn't really qualify as daily, does it?!? I did write a couple of times on most months, with the exception of the last two. The holidays are busy. . . is that rationalization?

3. Buy a new camera. . . YES!! That was a fun one to accomplish.

4. Take a photography class. . . YES - two! I have learned a lot and had fun doing it. I still have a long way to go until I will be really satisfied with my work, but I think I have made some progress.

5. Send birthday cards to family members. . . NO. . . I started out on a good note, but fell off the bandwagon about halfway through the year. Why is that so hard for me? It really only takes a minute.

6. Organize one room every month. . . NOT REALLY. . . I feel like I am constantly cleaning. Organizing, that is another story. I am doing good if I can get things picked up. I do wish that I were more organized, though.

The Verdict. . . 33% accomplished. Wow - not so good! I would say that I have some work to do.

I have not yet sat down to plan out my list of goals for 2011. Perhaps this will be the year that I will accomplish what I set out to do. Any suggestions from all of you master goal setters? I think I may be in need of a tutorial.

Hidden Blessings

Have you ever had one of those days with a two year old? You know just the kind I'm talking of - the fussy, want it my way, gonna scream if I can't have it days. Well, we had one of those days today. It started with him waking up on the wrong side of the bed and screaming because he didn't like his new pajamas that he was so excited about the night before - and ended with him screaming when he was put in bed because I wouldn't let him sleep with a balloon. Part of me wanted to just let him cry it out. But, I decided to take a rare opportunity to rock him to sleep. I wasn't even really planning on rocking him that long, but I was enjoying it so much that I didn't want to put him down in his crib. My days are so often spent running and constantly moving onto something else, that I rarely take advantage of opportunities like this.

As I sat there, consumed in the moment, I realized, once again, that these days are numbered. This little man is the last in our family, and he is quickly growing too big and too busy for rocking and other such quiet time with mommy. Pretty soon, these days will be only a memory, and I know that I will miss them profoundly. I realize that it is idealistic to think that I can have moments like this on a daily basis. He is an independent little go-getter. He often doesn't wait for me to help him - he looks for a solution that he can accomplish on his own. That is all well and good. I really would prefer it that way. However, I do miss the cuddle time that I used to have when he was still tiny. I miss the days of snuggling him on my chest and smelling his newborn head as he fell asleep. I miss being able to rock him and stare into his eyes, wondering what he would grow up to become. I even miss those middle of the night feedings when I could have a quiet house to look in wonder at the miracle that I held in my arms. Now, this kind of wonder did not happen on a nightly basis, and I surely did not enjoy those early morning feedings all the time. But, there were times when I did, and I cherish those memories.

I am in a bit of a strange place right now. This little guy is that last of five children. Each time I had a child his age, I was always either pregnant or thinking about it. It is strange to be at a point where that is all behind me. It makes me sad that he is growing up so fast. But, I also have much to look forward to. I am not longing for the past, as much as I am trying to hold onto the moment while remembering those sweet things that brought me so much joy. The memory of them still brings me joy, and I know that the memory of the things that are happening now will someday make me smile and appreciate all the time that I did have with my kids when they were little. But, I look forward to the future with much hope. Life with teenagers will be much different than life with babies and toddlers. But, I am sure that each stage will come with its own unique challenges and blessings. So, for today, I am thankful for a fussy toddler who convinced me in his own toddler way to take a moment to make a memory. At that moment, there were no deadlines, no distractions, no places that I had to be or people who were waiting on me. There was only me, a fussy toddler, and a rocking chair - and that was enough to make an impression that will be with me for years to come.

Close Calls

Today I had one of those close calls that really gets your blood rushing. I was on my way to the airport to pick up my parents who were coming to town for my daughter's baptism this weekend. I was inches away from getting into a REALLY bad accident. It could have been horrible. I was shaking afterwards, amazed that we had escaped unscathed. I knew that my guardian angels had been watching over me and my three kids who were in the car with me. It was one of those things that was scary in the moment, and terrifying afterwards when I had time to think about what could have happened.

Oh, the fragility of life!!! In an instant, my life, and that of my family could have been forever changed. Who knows what would have happened - it could have been really awful! My daughter's baptism could have been overshadowed by half of her family ending up in really bad shape after an accident. The what ifs are almost too awful to think about. But, I have thought about them - and I am simply thankful to be alive and well. I'm thankful that my kids are alright. I'm thankful that my life has been left untouched by tragedy. But, I don't know that I have been left entirely unchanged. I have been reminded, once again, and perhaps more personally, how I need to be thankful for my life - for every day - every moment. You never know when those moments might be gone forever. Tragedy strikes the unsuspecting everyday. Am I living in a way that would leave me in peace should the unforeseen happen without warning?

The answer to that question is a resounding NO! I cannot say that I have been doing the best that I can. Not that I need to be perfect, as I have made clear in the previous post. But, I need to be more aware of the beauty of life that comes in moments. I need to allow myself the freedom to rise above the mundane daily chores in order to "smell the roses" - to see the beauty that I would miss otherwise. I need to hold my kids and husband a little tighter and make sure that they know that I love them. I need to take advantage of opportunities that I often pass up because I'm too busy. There needs to be time for enjoyment -time for loving - time for truly living. Of course, I hope that my life continues to remain free from tragedy. But, if it should strike, I don't want to look back with regret for things left undone - unsaid. It came too close for comfort today, and I am more grateful for what I have - for the things in life that are truly important.

Perfection

Once upon a time, I had a dream of perfection - or getting as close to it as possible. I dreamed of perfect children who would always be obedient. I dreamed of being the perfect parent to those children - the one who would never lose her temper, and always be found on the floor playing with them, or planning outings and activities to maximize the time that she had with them. I dreamed of having a perfectly clean house at all times, regardless of the number of children that were running around. That house would, of course, be decorated beautifully. I dreamed of being the perfect wife - always cheerful and helpful, the perfect neighbor, daughter, friend, cook, etc, etc. . . you get the idea.

Living up to such unrealistic expectations can be quite a challenge! I tried it for awhile, and was quite hard on myself when I didn't fit the mold that I had created. It sometimes even felt like an unwritten expectation among my fellow sisters that, in order to be a good Latter Day Saint woman, you needed to do all of these things, and do them well. When I had three young kids who refused to behave in church, and I had to take them out into the hall week after week (sometimes amidst great screams of protest), I felt like a failure. After all, everybody else seemed quite capable of teaching their children to behave. When I lost my cool after hours of whining children, I was most definitely a failure. My kids would, after all, probably grow up thinking that I never loved them. When my house was a mess after a hectic day and somebody dropped by, I was mortified! They might see that I was not a very good housekeeper and think of me as a slob. That myth of perfection that I was trying to uphold would then be blown out of the water. What would people think of me then?

Looking at it from where I sit today, I am rebelling against that myth. We've all heard the saying that "nobody is perfect." So, why do so many people feel like they need to appear that way? Why did I spend years of my life stressing over every little thing, and being so hard on myself when I did not measure up to some standard that seemed to be easily met by everybody else?

I believe that they key word in all of that is "seemed." It is easy to compare myself to others, but I will ALWAYS come up lacking. I will never be as pretty, as smart, as organized, as charitable. . . as whatever. Things are not always as they seem. Perhaps those people are also looking at themselves and wondering why everybody else seems to have it all together. Why do we, as women, do this to ourselves?

I will never forget an elderly sister who was in my ward several years ago. She had raised five righteous children, and was one of those women that you can't help but admire. She saw me struggling with my three active, noisy children in church week after week. One week, she saw me in the hallway holding a screaming child, and I was apparently visibly frustrated. She went out of her way to come up to me and say "Your kids are so cute." I thought it was odd that she would pick that moment to say such a thing. She went on to say "They have got some spunk. That means that they will grow up to do great things."

Although, at that moment, I wasn't sure if her comment was sincere, or if she was just trying to make me feel better, she taught me a very important lesson. She, who was a seasoned parent, and had successfully raised a righteous posterity, was essentially telling me - a young mother who had no clue what I was doing - that things didn't have to be perfect to turn out alright. In fact, things don't even have to come close to perfection - and the end result can be amazing. That does require letting go of those unmet and perhaps unrealistic expectations of perfection, or the appearance thereof. And, that is not as easy as it sounds - at least it has not been for me. Little by little, as I have grown more confidant in myself as an individual and as a unique daughter of God, I have been able to let some things go with the realization that I do not have to do everything just right in order to be needed, loved, and appreciated - at least by some people. That is enough for me now, where, for so long, the mere thought was incomprehensible.

Now, I'm not saying that I have given up all of my dreams. I still dream of my kids turning out great. By their behavior some days, that is a lofty dream, indeed, but one that I think is possible. I have given up hope for a constantly clean house. Five kids has proven to be too much there. Most of the time I have to settle for picked up. If you stop by unannounced, don't expect it to be clean!! I think I can still be good at lots of things without having to feel like a failure when I don't do everything just right. Life is too short to stress over so many little things! So, you may find me doing something else when I "should be" cleaning my house. Or, if you come to the luncheon that will be at my house after my daughter's baptism of Saturday (feel free to stop by), you might not find anything yummy and homemade. It just might all be from Costco. And, guess what - I am OK with that!

Love

A few weeks ago, I pulled Victor Hugo's epic novel, Les Miserables, off the shelf at the library, and, on a whim, decided to check it out. I must admit that I have thought about tackling this in the past, but was always a little intimidated by the 1222 pages of tiny print. I have seen the musical twice, and LOVE it! The music is amazing - the story inspiring - the message timely, even today. I dove into the novel with a little trepidation - not knowing if I would love the book as much as I did the musical. The first 100 pages or so were rough - describing in intense detail the Bishop - a minor character in the musical, but whose character development in the novel is vital to the rest of the story. But, once I got through that, I was hooked. Granted, I am only on page 200 at present, but it is AMAZING!! You cannot read it without thinking about life and circumstance - poverty and suffering - justice and mercy - themes that are just as applicable today as they were when it was published back in 1862. I think it is one of those books that you have to read once in your life. I'm looking forward to finishing it.

But, along the way, I have come across a couple of particularly thought provoking quotes within its pages, including this one:

"The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves - say rather, loved in spite of ourselves."

That is beautifully said, if you ask me. I think everybody longs for love and acceptance in some form. It is easy to look around and see misery where love, or the knowledge of it, it missing. There is always a loving Heavenly Father, along with his son, Jesus Christ, whose love for each one of us is perfect and everlasting. It is comforting to know and truly understand that concept. But, I do not believe that it would be in their plan for any of us to go through life without other people to love us as they do. We are all imperfect beings, each with our own strengths and weaknesses. But, we need people to accept us and love us in spite of those weaknesses.

I loved President Monson's talk at the General Relief Society meeting on Saturday. He spoke of reserving judgement of people and simply loving them. This was a very good reminder to me, as I do struggle with this sometimes. It is easy to judge based on what you see or observe, but there is often so much more than what meets the eye. I can think of times in my life when I have been wrongfully judged, and I do not want to do the same to somebody else. So, I will continue to work on that. I believe that the Lord needs all of us. There is so much need around us all the time - so many opportunities to lift and strengthen. How many of those have been lost to me because of my judgement - or misjudgement - of people? Too many, I'm afraid.

Prophets through the ages have preached many different things. Each one has had a couple of major themes that have been repeated throughout their ministry. In the short time that President Monson has been the prophet, he seems to be telling us over and over again that we need to love and serve others. His own life has been one of constant service. I do not think it is a coincidence that he, who is a living example of love and service in action, is our prophet now - encouraging us to do the same. Perhaps that is what the Lord needs us to be doing now - to reach out, to love, to serve - to live lives of charity and goodness, reserving judgement for God alone. This can be difficult at times.

I think I have my work cut out for me. Time to get busy!

Has it Come to This?

Sometimes I worry about raising kids in this crazy world. It often seems as if there is an abundance of evil and not enough good to go around. It is a different world than it was during my childhood - way too many years ago. Granted, I did live a somewhat sheltered life, growing up in a town where most of my friend shared my religious beliefs. There was definitely trouble to be found, but it was relatively easy to avoid if you were paying attention. But, that concept seems to have died along with poufy bangs, slap bracelets, and Saved by the Bell. Trouble is elusive no more. It often comes knocking, even when you have no intention of seeking it out.

A few weeks ago, my ten year old son was doing a search on the Internet for "football pictures." He had a school assignment to decorate his notebook with things that described him and his interests, and football is at the top of that list. His innocent search brought up a pornographic image that our Internet filter had failed to catch. His unsuspecting eyes got quite a show, and he was deeply affected. We have had frank discussions about pornography with him in the past, knowing that this day was inevitable. I had no idea that it would come so soon. He is, after all, only ten years old! No child of that age (or any age, really) should have to deal with something so filthy. The scary thing is - ten is not too young for curiosity to start, and one image may be all that it takes to start a young boy down a path that has the potential to enslave him.

Luckily, my son had the presence of mind to immediately shut down the window containing the image. He didn't come tell me right away, like he probably should have. But, he couldn't go to sleep that night without relating the experience to me. He was so disturbed that he waited up for his dad, who was at a late meeting, to get home. He desperately wanted a Priesthood blessing, hoping for some relief from the filth that was plaguing his mind.

It has been a few weeks since this incident, and he still occasionally mentions that the effects have not completely subsided. Unfortunately, that image may continue to pop into his head throughout his life. For good or bad, the mind has a way of retaining information, even if we wish it would be permanently deleted. He is fighting it, and I am confidant that it will not always stay at the forefront of his mind. But, I am absolutely certain that something similar will happen again at some point in the future, perhaps multiple times. Satan's influence over this plague is everywhere, finding it's way to the most unsuspecting victims. I know that it will not go away - only worsen as time passes - presenting a challenge to us as parents, as well as to the youth that it will attempt to entice and ultimately enslave.

These youth are strong and equal to the fight ahead of them. I have no doubt that they will be victorious in the end. But, that will not happen without a few casualties. I am so glad that I listened to the spirit and had a candid discussion about the evils of pornography with my two young boys. I didn't know if they would even really understand what I was saying. Now I sit, wondering what would have happened if I had not. Would this ten year old boy have known to RUN from such things, or would he have clicked on the image out of innocent curiosity to explore it further?

Frightening thought, indeed.