In the Meantime

Life is all about stages.  There are so many of them it is hard to keep up sometimes.  Life is constantly changing.  Whereas a few years ago my life was all about trying to keep up with several preschoolers, now it is about being there for my kids who are getting older and facing much different challenges, as well the younger ones who need me in a different way.  It is about trying to find the balance between being there for them and letting them learn to stand on their own two feet.  It is about remembering that I am not too busy to spend time with my toddler, who will soon be gone at school everyday.  It is about keeping my focus as a parent - remembering what my job really is when things get tough - to raise them to be strong in the gospel and contributing members of society.  It is not about giving in to keep the peace at any price.  It is about leadership - about compassion - about teaching them who they really are as children of God and what amazing potentials that they have.

But, sometimes I feel like the daily grind starts to become my identity.  I feel like I am a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, and a friend - but who am I really?  It is easy to lose sight of the dreams that I have for myself when the demands of family life seem, at times, all consuming.

Don't get me wrong - I love what I do each day.  I have wanted to be a wife and a mother for as long as I can remember and I wouldn't trade that for anything.  I feel like I am making a difference - at least in the lives of the precious spirits that were entrusted to my care.  But, sometimes - I want to do more -

The lyrics of Jenny Jordan Frogley's song In the Meantime say it much better than I can. . .

In her heart she holds the dreams
That she's carried since the day she turned 13:
Of all that she would be when she was grown;
Of all that she would do when she was finally on her own.
She dreamed she'd fly
& she's still waiting for the chance to try.

In the mean time, she's a mother & a daughter & a wife,
Doing all she can to stay above the daily grind
& she wonders when she'll ever have more meaning in her life.
She doesn't know she's being molded & refined,
In the meantime.

Someday she'll go back to school,
when the carpools & the soccer games are through.
'Cause deep inside she's still the girl,
Who has always felt the fire to make a difference in the world.
She dreams she'll soar,
when she finally has the time to do more.

But, in the meantime, she's a sister & a teacher & a friend
& hours turn into days that turn to years that never end,
But she wonders when she'll ever really find herself again.
She's becoming one on whom God can depend,
In the mean time.

Heaven feels the joy of every victory in her life.
And Heaven hears her heart before she cries.
And somewhere in the middle of the triumphs & the trails,
She's becoming sanctified.

But, in the meantime, she's an answer & blessing & a gift
To every empty, aching heart that only she can lift.
Still she wonders if she'll ever get to see where heaven is—
If only she could see her mansion waiting there.
If only she could feel how much her Father really cares.
She would see how she's being perfectly prepared,

In the mean time.

This opportunity to be a mother - to play such a vital role in teaching these precious children all they need to know in order to fly on their own - is a blessing beyond compare.  Sometimes it is easy to get overwhelmed with the demands and forget who you are as a person.  But, these years pass so quickly.  This is the most important thing that I could be doing right now, and I know that the Lord is counting on me to get it right by doing the very best that I can.  The lives of my children are at stake, and I am a key player in the game.  But, that doesn't mean that my individuality is somehow lost.  Someday I will have more time.  But, when all is said and done, I am still me.  I have an identity outside of all of the different roles that I play for others.  And, perhaps, those roles are molding and changing me into exactly what the Lord needs me to become.

Kids and Technology

In many ways, the world today is different than the world that I grew up in.  The advancement of technology has, I believe, played a major role in that.  I remember when my parents bought our first VCR and what an exciting time that was.  I also remember our first computer and our first microwave and how the acquisition of these things seemed to make life easier.  And, don't forget about the cordless phone - that was a big one!  I really appreciated that when I was a teenager. 

As cool and "advanced" as those things were so many years ago, they pale in comparison to the technology of today.  In some ways, I get excited about all of the ways in which this stuff can make life easier.  It is hard to imagine living without a cell phone or the Internet.  The advance in technology has surely been a blessing, but I think it has also come at a cost.  I worry about my kids using the Internet and coming across all of the filth that is out there.  While knowledge is only a click away, so is access to a world that I don't want my kids to see.  That has already become an issue when my son, then 10 years old, accidentally came across pornographic images that deeply affected him.  I try to keep them safe from these influences with web filters, but they are not fool proof.  And, now the Internet is accessible on almost all cell phones and ipods.  It is hard to put filters on those things if your kids are carrying them around with them.  It continues to amaze me how many young kids are being given these devices by their parents.  My son is almost 13 years old and is now among the small minority of kids in his classes at church and school that do not have a cell phone.  Many even have the sophisticated iPhone.   Even kids in my 3rd grader's class have their own phones.  I do not understand why this is necessary.  My son has come to us begging for a phone for over a year because he feels left out.  I simply don't think this is necessary, or even a good idea.  Even if the phone cannot access the Internet, texting and picture messaging alone can get people into lots of trouble.  You don't have control over what other people send to you - in pictures or texts.  Don't even get me started on social media sites. . . or gaming. . .

I realize that I am in the minority here.  This is the world we live in.  I know that, at some point, I am going to have to allow the kids access to their own email accounts, trust them to use Facebook responsibly, and allow them to have cell phones.  What I don't know is when they are old enough to handle that responsibility.  I know that I can't shelter them forever, but nor do I want to open the door and invite trouble in, hoping that they are aware enough to recognize it and avoid it at all costs.  I don't know where the balance lies.  For now, I tell my son when he comes to me with all of the reasons that he thinks he "needs" a phone - that being different from your peers builds character.  He doesn't really appreciate that answer, but he does have to live with it.  And, he will probably have to live with it for much longer.  Maybe when he can pay for a phone, including the bill, he will be responsible enough to get one.

That may be worth considering. . .

Where to Begin?

Yesterday I said that tomorrow would be the first day of the rest of my life.  And, here I am at tomorrow.  My question is - where do I begin?  I have an idea of some things that I would like to work on, but the list can get a little overwhelming.  I feel like I am setting New Year's Resolutions - you know - the kind that never get me anywhere because I simply can't keep up with them.  I must confess that I have never been much of a goal setter in the traditional sense of the word.  Yes, I have things that I want to accomplish.  No, I don't necessarily have a concrete list and steps to help me achieve those things.  I have tried Franklin Planners that are supposed to help with that sort of thing.  I have sat down for hours and tried to come up with a list of goals and lots of mini goals in order to help me accomplish the big things.  When all is said and done, I have only ended up frustrated by trying to come up with so many goals, and nothing of significance has really gotten accomplished.  Perhaps that is wherein my problem lies.  Perhaps I need to become more goal oriented and more willing to sit down and plan out my life on a piece of paper before I actually live it.  If I am being honest, that just sounds a little boring - a little stifling.  But, I'm sure that I would get much more accomplished that way.  I know that if I continue to do what I have done in the past, I will continue to get the same results, and there are a few things that I want to change.  I need to come up with a plan that is not going to be completely overwhelming right off the bat.  Where do I start if I want to develop all of those wonderful qualities that I listed yesterday?  It seems like it may be more of a lifetime pursuit, which is alright.  But, what is step number one? 

Reflections

Lately I have become aware of so many people that are struggling with different things.  'Tis the nature of life, I suppose.  We all must deal with adversity.  Here are the recent stories that have caused me to reflect on life:

A 15 year old girl in the community just got diagnosed with a rare form of terminal cancer in which she was given only a few months to live. 

A young mother who I grew up with just passed away of cancer, leaving behind a husband and several small children.  Her brother also recently passed away, leaving behind a wife and small children.

A local police officer was just killed in the line of duty, leaving behind a wife and 2 children.

My husband's cousin, who is in his early 30's, recently had a kidney transplant.  His body is now rejecting the new kidney that was donated to him by his wife.  He needs a healthy kidney in order to stay alive.

These things all happened close to home, and all within the last couple of weeks.  My heart breaks for all of these families who are dealing with great amounts of grief and stress due to circumstances beyond their control.  It has reminded me, once again, of the fragility of life.  You just never know when your life could be turned upside down in an instant.  It has caused me to think about my life and what kind of a legacy that I want to leave behind for those who will live after me.  I think it is only natural for one to want to make a difference in the world - to leave something of value for those around them.  But, what am I doing to make a difference?  That is the question that has been on my mind. 

There have been people that I have known throughout my life that have been simply amazing - the kind of people who make a mark on your life that never goes away.  But, what have they done that is so amazing?  Sometimes it is hard to put a finger on one thing.  Most of the time it is not just one thing.  It is the quiet way that they go around doing good.  It is the lives they touch simply by being in the right place at the right time.  It is their example of faith that gives inspiration to all who know them.  It is the way that they emulate the Savior's example at every turn.  They don't belittle or gossip or say unkind words about others.  They lift. They build. They comfort. They are positive.  Being who they are makes others want to be better.  That is the kind of person that I want to be.  That is the kind of legacy that I want to leave, and I know that I have a long way to go in order to get there.  But, my resolve is to work on it - to seek the Spirit to know how I can fulfill the Lord's will - and then to do it.  I find myself thinking about things all the time, figuring out in my head how I can change different things.  Too often, however, I don't follow through.  And, that is where I need to start - by getting on my feet and getting to work.  I don't want to get to the end of my life and look back on all of the things that I wish I would have done differently.  Now is the time to do something different - to change the things that aren't going to get me to the place where I want be in the end.  So, thus it begins.  Tomorrow is a new day - a new adventure - a new opportunity to LIVE without simply going through the motions.  Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life.

What is in a Name?

The other day I was at an outlet mall near my home and noticed that it was uncharacteristically busy.  In fact, as I was shopping in one of the children's clothing stores that so often gets too much of my money, I noticed a very long line outside.  When I asked the cashier what is was for, she told me that it was for the grand opening of the new COACH store.  She said that people started lining up at 4:30 that morning to get the 30% off discount, and that the line had not let up since.  As I finished getting my little guy some clothes and headed outside to hit a couple more stores before lunch, I began to notice COACH purses everywhere.  At least half of the women that I saw shopping that day were dawning their newly acquired bags.  I kept seeing the same bags over and over again on a variety of different women off all ages.  I must admit that I was a little perplexed.  What is the motivation behind such a rush to claim a COACH bag?  Is it the quality of such a bag?  The style?  The name, or the status that name carries?  What is so great about having the same purse as so many other people who waited in line for hours to claim one as well?  These bags are not cheap, even on sale.  But, does it make one feel more sophisticated, more stylish, more able to keep up with their neighbors - knowing that they have a brand name purse?  I guess that begs the question - what is in a name?  I guess I am still trying to figure that one out. 

Kids These Days

It has been my observation and experience that kids these days are so far ahead of previous generations in matters of spirituality.  My nine year old daughter came to me yesterday and said that she didn't really think that the church was true.  She told me that she had stopped saying her prayers and that she just didn't know what to believe anymore.  We had a long talk about faith, prayer, and obedience.  We talked about how you gain a testimony and how you don't need to know everything all at once.  I don't know if she really understood what I was saying.  But, I do know that she sets her alarm for 5:45 every morning to get up and read scriptures with Dad.  She loves that time with him and is an active participant in those discussions.  I guess I am surprised by how deep she is thinking about this at such a young age.  I didn't really even think about it until I was much older.  She is barely nine years old.  I'm not really worried about her finding a testimony.  I think that will come with time.  I think this may even end up being a good thing in the end for her to be searching for a testimony at such a young age. 

My 11 year old some is going through the same thing.  He used to get up in Sacrament Meeting nearly every month and bear his testimony.  It has been quite awhile since he has done that because he says that he really isn't sure if the church is true and doesn't feel like he can get up and testify.  Once again, that goes to show me the spiritual maturity in these young kids.  He understands that a testimony is a witness of God, and realizes that he shouldn't get up and give a testimony if he is unsure.  But, the fact that he is seeking after a "REAL" testimony at 11 years old shows me how far he is ahead of me when I was the same age.  I believed that the church was true at that age, but I didn't have the burning to find out for myself like he does, and like my daughter does.  Kids these days have to be so strong.  They need that testimony in order to safely navigate the halls of their schools and the influences of the world that are all around them.  I believe they are so much more sensitive to the spirit than the children of other generations.  You can feel the strength of their spirits in their sincere desire to learn about spiritual things and then live them with conviction amidst opposition from the world.  I am grateful for the example of my children.  I try to teach them, but sometimes I feel like they teach me so much more.

There is Beauty all Around

Growing up in the desert, I never really learned to appreciate it's beauty. I always longed for snow, flowers, trees with REAL leaves and no thorns, and grass that didn't hurt my feet when I walked in it barefoot. I didn't really miss it much when I went away to college in Utah. I couldn't get enough of sitting in the grass and enjoying all the flowers and greenery. Then, after a few years there, I moved to the Midwest and spent six years there. It was then that I came to learn that even Utah was a desert. The beauty of Ohio and Indiana were unparalleled in comparison to what I had previously known. We had to cut the lawn twice a week to even keep up with it, and the flowers and vegetables grew without ever having to be watered by anyone other than Mother Nature. The trees were beautiful, especially in the Spring and Fall. The beauty did come at a price, however. It RAINED and RAINED for weeks on end. There were days when I wondered when I would ever see the sun again. It was then that I realized that I was solar powered and gained more from the sun than I had previously thought. It just made me happy.

I didn't think that I would ever end up in the heart of the desert again, after having been away for so long. But, here we are. It did seem pretty drab, and let's face it - UGLY at first. I missed the trees, the grass, and the flowers more than I thought I would. I missed the changing of the seasons with the fall leaves and spring blossoms. (I did NOT, however, miss the snow.) But, one thing that I noticed right away was how beautiful the sky was here. It seemed to stretch on FOREVER, and it was always BLUE. And, the sunsets - AMAZING!! I still can't get enough of them.

We just moved into a new home, and this is the view from my back porch:




As much as I may prefer the look of trees, grass, and flowers, I can't get enough of the view from my windows. It really is BEAUTIFUL with the saguaros and desert foliage on the mountain. Even the coyotes howling outside my bedroom window add to the beauty of the whole picture. (The scorpions, not so much. . . ) I guess I am just realizing that there really IS beauty all around. It may be in the eye of the beholder, but it is there. The desert has its own kind of beauty that I am coming to appreciate more and more as time goes by. I still do miss the fall leaves, especially right now when the mercury is still over 90 degrees on most days. But, I guess it is a trade-off. In a couple of months I will be so happy that I am on my back porch enjoying the view in the sunshine instead of shoveling snow in sub-zero temperatures. Oh, I love the desert!