Where to Begin?

Yesterday I said that tomorrow would be the first day of the rest of my life.  And, here I am at tomorrow.  My question is - where do I begin?  I have an idea of some things that I would like to work on, but the list can get a little overwhelming.  I feel like I am setting New Year's Resolutions - you know - the kind that never get me anywhere because I simply can't keep up with them.  I must confess that I have never been much of a goal setter in the traditional sense of the word.  Yes, I have things that I want to accomplish.  No, I don't necessarily have a concrete list and steps to help me achieve those things.  I have tried Franklin Planners that are supposed to help with that sort of thing.  I have sat down for hours and tried to come up with a list of goals and lots of mini goals in order to help me accomplish the big things.  When all is said and done, I have only ended up frustrated by trying to come up with so many goals, and nothing of significance has really gotten accomplished.  Perhaps that is wherein my problem lies.  Perhaps I need to become more goal oriented and more willing to sit down and plan out my life on a piece of paper before I actually live it.  If I am being honest, that just sounds a little boring - a little stifling.  But, I'm sure that I would get much more accomplished that way.  I know that if I continue to do what I have done in the past, I will continue to get the same results, and there are a few things that I want to change.  I need to come up with a plan that is not going to be completely overwhelming right off the bat.  Where do I start if I want to develop all of those wonderful qualities that I listed yesterday?  It seems like it may be more of a lifetime pursuit, which is alright.  But, what is step number one? 

Reflections

Lately I have become aware of so many people that are struggling with different things.  'Tis the nature of life, I suppose.  We all must deal with adversity.  Here are the recent stories that have caused me to reflect on life:

A 15 year old girl in the community just got diagnosed with a rare form of terminal cancer in which she was given only a few months to live. 

A young mother who I grew up with just passed away of cancer, leaving behind a husband and several small children.  Her brother also recently passed away, leaving behind a wife and small children.

A local police officer was just killed in the line of duty, leaving behind a wife and 2 children.

My husband's cousin, who is in his early 30's, recently had a kidney transplant.  His body is now rejecting the new kidney that was donated to him by his wife.  He needs a healthy kidney in order to stay alive.

These things all happened close to home, and all within the last couple of weeks.  My heart breaks for all of these families who are dealing with great amounts of grief and stress due to circumstances beyond their control.  It has reminded me, once again, of the fragility of life.  You just never know when your life could be turned upside down in an instant.  It has caused me to think about my life and what kind of a legacy that I want to leave behind for those who will live after me.  I think it is only natural for one to want to make a difference in the world - to leave something of value for those around them.  But, what am I doing to make a difference?  That is the question that has been on my mind. 

There have been people that I have known throughout my life that have been simply amazing - the kind of people who make a mark on your life that never goes away.  But, what have they done that is so amazing?  Sometimes it is hard to put a finger on one thing.  Most of the time it is not just one thing.  It is the quiet way that they go around doing good.  It is the lives they touch simply by being in the right place at the right time.  It is their example of faith that gives inspiration to all who know them.  It is the way that they emulate the Savior's example at every turn.  They don't belittle or gossip or say unkind words about others.  They lift. They build. They comfort. They are positive.  Being who they are makes others want to be better.  That is the kind of person that I want to be.  That is the kind of legacy that I want to leave, and I know that I have a long way to go in order to get there.  But, my resolve is to work on it - to seek the Spirit to know how I can fulfill the Lord's will - and then to do it.  I find myself thinking about things all the time, figuring out in my head how I can change different things.  Too often, however, I don't follow through.  And, that is where I need to start - by getting on my feet and getting to work.  I don't want to get to the end of my life and look back on all of the things that I wish I would have done differently.  Now is the time to do something different - to change the things that aren't going to get me to the place where I want be in the end.  So, thus it begins.  Tomorrow is a new day - a new adventure - a new opportunity to LIVE without simply going through the motions.  Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life.

What is in a Name?

The other day I was at an outlet mall near my home and noticed that it was uncharacteristically busy.  In fact, as I was shopping in one of the children's clothing stores that so often gets too much of my money, I noticed a very long line outside.  When I asked the cashier what is was for, she told me that it was for the grand opening of the new COACH store.  She said that people started lining up at 4:30 that morning to get the 30% off discount, and that the line had not let up since.  As I finished getting my little guy some clothes and headed outside to hit a couple more stores before lunch, I began to notice COACH purses everywhere.  At least half of the women that I saw shopping that day were dawning their newly acquired bags.  I kept seeing the same bags over and over again on a variety of different women off all ages.  I must admit that I was a little perplexed.  What is the motivation behind such a rush to claim a COACH bag?  Is it the quality of such a bag?  The style?  The name, or the status that name carries?  What is so great about having the same purse as so many other people who waited in line for hours to claim one as well?  These bags are not cheap, even on sale.  But, does it make one feel more sophisticated, more stylish, more able to keep up with their neighbors - knowing that they have a brand name purse?  I guess that begs the question - what is in a name?  I guess I am still trying to figure that one out. 

Kids These Days

It has been my observation and experience that kids these days are so far ahead of previous generations in matters of spirituality.  My nine year old daughter came to me yesterday and said that she didn't really think that the church was true.  She told me that she had stopped saying her prayers and that she just didn't know what to believe anymore.  We had a long talk about faith, prayer, and obedience.  We talked about how you gain a testimony and how you don't need to know everything all at once.  I don't know if she really understood what I was saying.  But, I do know that she sets her alarm for 5:45 every morning to get up and read scriptures with Dad.  She loves that time with him and is an active participant in those discussions.  I guess I am surprised by how deep she is thinking about this at such a young age.  I didn't really even think about it until I was much older.  She is barely nine years old.  I'm not really worried about her finding a testimony.  I think that will come with time.  I think this may even end up being a good thing in the end for her to be searching for a testimony at such a young age. 

My 11 year old some is going through the same thing.  He used to get up in Sacrament Meeting nearly every month and bear his testimony.  It has been quite awhile since he has done that because he says that he really isn't sure if the church is true and doesn't feel like he can get up and testify.  Once again, that goes to show me the spiritual maturity in these young kids.  He understands that a testimony is a witness of God, and realizes that he shouldn't get up and give a testimony if he is unsure.  But, the fact that he is seeking after a "REAL" testimony at 11 years old shows me how far he is ahead of me when I was the same age.  I believed that the church was true at that age, but I didn't have the burning to find out for myself like he does, and like my daughter does.  Kids these days have to be so strong.  They need that testimony in order to safely navigate the halls of their schools and the influences of the world that are all around them.  I believe they are so much more sensitive to the spirit than the children of other generations.  You can feel the strength of their spirits in their sincere desire to learn about spiritual things and then live them with conviction amidst opposition from the world.  I am grateful for the example of my children.  I try to teach them, but sometimes I feel like they teach me so much more.

There is Beauty all Around

Growing up in the desert, I never really learned to appreciate it's beauty. I always longed for snow, flowers, trees with REAL leaves and no thorns, and grass that didn't hurt my feet when I walked in it barefoot. I didn't really miss it much when I went away to college in Utah. I couldn't get enough of sitting in the grass and enjoying all the flowers and greenery. Then, after a few years there, I moved to the Midwest and spent six years there. It was then that I came to learn that even Utah was a desert. The beauty of Ohio and Indiana were unparalleled in comparison to what I had previously known. We had to cut the lawn twice a week to even keep up with it, and the flowers and vegetables grew without ever having to be watered by anyone other than Mother Nature. The trees were beautiful, especially in the Spring and Fall. The beauty did come at a price, however. It RAINED and RAINED for weeks on end. There were days when I wondered when I would ever see the sun again. It was then that I realized that I was solar powered and gained more from the sun than I had previously thought. It just made me happy.

I didn't think that I would ever end up in the heart of the desert again, after having been away for so long. But, here we are. It did seem pretty drab, and let's face it - UGLY at first. I missed the trees, the grass, and the flowers more than I thought I would. I missed the changing of the seasons with the fall leaves and spring blossoms. (I did NOT, however, miss the snow.) But, one thing that I noticed right away was how beautiful the sky was here. It seemed to stretch on FOREVER, and it was always BLUE. And, the sunsets - AMAZING!! I still can't get enough of them.

We just moved into a new home, and this is the view from my back porch:




As much as I may prefer the look of trees, grass, and flowers, I can't get enough of the view from my windows. It really is BEAUTIFUL with the saguaros and desert foliage on the mountain. Even the coyotes howling outside my bedroom window add to the beauty of the whole picture. (The scorpions, not so much. . . ) I guess I am just realizing that there really IS beauty all around. It may be in the eye of the beholder, but it is there. The desert has its own kind of beauty that I am coming to appreciate more and more as time goes by. I still do miss the fall leaves, especially right now when the mercury is still over 90 degrees on most days. But, I guess it is a trade-off. In a couple of months I will be so happy that I am on my back porch enjoying the view in the sunshine instead of shoveling snow in sub-zero temperatures. Oh, I love the desert!

Can Kids Still be Kids?

My two oldest boys, who are in 6th and 7th grade, started at a new school this year.  This school, although new, has other sister schools who have been ranked among the top 10 high schools in the country (it is a 5-12 grade program) for several years in a row.  As a result, it is academically intense.  My 7th grader is doing very well and loving the faster pace and challenging curriculum.  A school like this is just what he needs.  My 6th grader, on the other hand, is struggling to keep up with the demands placed upon him.  Granted, this is his first year of middle school, which has an adjustment period of its own, no matter where you attend.  He has been used to one or two teachers, not eight or nine.  He has a difficult time keeping his binders straight and making sure that the right homework gets back in the right binder.  Granted, organization is not his strong point.  Not only that, but he comes home with at least three hours of homework every night.  After spending all day at school, he has a hard time sitting down and doing another three hours of homework.  What 11 year old wouldn't?  He wants to spend all of his time reading for fun, which I love, but he isn't getting homework or chores done as a result.  Three hours turns into all night because he doesn't make the best use of his time.  He is overwhelmed.  I get frustrated when he doesn't get things turned in on time, rushes through assignments or tests while making lots of mistakes so he can get back to his book, leaves things at home (or car, or locker, etc) when he needs them at school. . . etc. . . But, at the same time, I feel sorry for the kid.  We are asking a lot of him at this stage in the game.  Education is important, and he will get a great one at this school if he can stick it out, but there are other things that are important as well.  He has no time for anything else.  He does attend scouts once/week and piano lessons, but doesn't have much time to practice.  He used to be outside playing after school instead of cooped up in his room with homework.  Granted, he does find time to do lots of reading, at the expense of other things.  But, where is the balance?  Childhood only comes around once and I feel like we are robbing him of the opportunity to be a kid.  He will have his whole life to study and learn - and only a few more years to play and enjoy the relatively carefree days of childhood.  I don't mean to say that I don't want him to learn or be successful in school.  I absolutely want those things for him.  I want him to work hard and to not take the path of least resistance.  But, I don't want him to be stressed out by school so early in his educational career.  I don't want him to feel like he is drowning in school work.  I don't want him to lose his love of learning as a result of too many demands.  But, nor do I want to let him quit this early in the game.  He has the potential to prove to himself that he can do this.  He just needs to learn the skills to make that happen.  What I don't know is how hard to push him.  He definitely needs to be pushed.  But, when is enough enough?  And, what will the consequences be either way?  I just want him to be happy, try his best, and not be afraid of letting anyone down if he feels like his best isn't good enough.  The trick is figuring out which path will lead to that end. 

Growing up

For the past couple of days my eight year old daughter has been asking me questions about whether the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny are real or not. When it first came up, I was in the middle of something and told her that it would have to be a conversation for another day. I was hoping that would hold her off for awhile, but she came right back today with more questions. I didn't know how to evade her questions, so I had to tell her the truth. It broke my heart to see the huge crocodile tears that ran down her face as the childhood excitement surrounding those exciting events melted into oblivion. In the midst of the tears she sadly proclaimed "Mom, I didn't really want to know! I don't think Christmas will be very much fun anymore."

I must admit that I wanted to cry, too. As much as I tried to ease her pain, I felt like I could see her childhood slipping away in one painful instant. I wished I could have taken it back and let the magic live a little longer, but I knew that she had already figured it out before she asked me. She wanted me to disprove her theory and tell her what she wanted to hear. Maybe I should have done it - prolonging the excitement a little bit longer. But, how could I evade her direct questions? I tried to tell her that it was all about what she believed, but that didn't cut it for her. She wanted a real answer, and now she is broken hearted.

As I was thinking about the damage that had been done, it hit me like a ton of bricks - my little girl is growing up a little too fast. Not only will this Christmas be vastly different in her eyes, but it will never be the same for her again. I know it was bound to happen eventually, but I was hoping it would last a little bit longer. This is not just about Christmas, though. It's about being a kid - about the carefree innocence of childhood that is starting to disappear. I just want to wrap her up in my arms and hold on tight, convincing myself (and her) that she will be young and innocent forever - that she doesn't need to grow up quite so fast. What used to be about baby dolls and stuffed animals is now about earrings, clothes, and boys. I know that she is only eight, but sometimes she seems like a teenager trapped in that little body. But, then there are times, like today, when I realize that she is still little - that she still needs me to be there to wipe away those tears when things don't turn out the way that she hopes - that I still have some time to hold her and tell her that everything will be alright. For that I am grateful.